BEYONCE’S LEMONADE: How To Cheat On Your Wife Successfully. And NEVER Get Caught. (Ten Simple Steps)

Two things shook the music world last weekend ; the death of His Royal Purpleness,Prince Rogers Nelson (iconic singer) and the surprise release of Beyoncé’s Lemonade album accompanied by a one-hour special visual release broadcast on HBO.

Rest in Peace,Purple One.

But while the death of Prince startled millions of fans,what shook the music world even more was the shocking revelations that Jay Z,Beyoncé’s hubby,had been cheating on the world-famous superstar.

This,however,was not entirely news for in 2014,gossip haunt TMZ had released a video of Beyoncé’s younger sister Solange Knowles clawing and clobbering her famous Bro-in-law in an elevator at the Standard Hotel. Beyonce,in the CCTV clip,just stood there and did absolutely nothing to stop her sister from beating the hell out of her husband.

It was later revealed that the bust-up was as a result of Jay Z’s flirting with Fashion Designer Rachel Roy at an event that he and his wife had attended earlier.

Other sites suggested that the Solange/Jay Z altercation was because Jay had planned to attend a Rihanna after party and we all know about those rumors back in the day that suggested that Jay was sleeping with Rihanna.

We never quite got around to knowing the real truth behind the elevator fight but one thing was for sure ; there was trouble in Paradise.

That trouble would be confirmed last weekend by none other than the protagonist herself Beyonce in a series of bitter,autobiographical,sad songs about infidelity, Black Culture,feminism,personal strength and love.

But one lyric,among many lyrics revolving around Jay’s supposed philandering,stood out – in the song ‘Sorry’, Beyoncé bitterly croons, ‘‘ He only want me when I’m not there / He better call Becky with the good hair”

The ‘Becky with the good hair’ line has particularly lit up the Internet and there’s no shortage of speculation over who that could be.

Rita Ora? Rachel Roy? Rihanna? Mya?

Jay Z and his rumored string of girlfriends,from left Rita Ora,Rachael Roy and Rihanna.

But there are other lines that heavily suggest that Jay Z has been seeing other women behind Beyoncé’s back.

Like this line for instance, It’s such a shame, you let this good love go to waste from the song ‘Hold Up’

Or this line, Looking at my watch, he shoulda been home / Today I regret the night I put that ring on / He always got them fucking excuses…. Also from ‘Sorry’.

But man! Jay Z! How can a man worth half a billion dollars be so daft at cheating on his wife?

How can such a globally-renowned rapper,entrepreneur,record executive,talent manager,recording artist,master lyricist and hip hop icon be so pathetic at cheating?

If I were Jay,I’d never get caught. Because I am Jay.

But because we are NOT Jay Z,and we wish to cheat on our wives,Here are 9 surefire ways things that you can do to cheat successfully. And NEVER GET CAUGHT.

1. Your Phone Is Your Phone 
Yes,that’s right. Wifey should never be caught dead holding your phone – leave alone browsing through it. She has hers. You have yours. Let everyone concentrate on what they have. She should never be around your phone ever. It’s YOUR phone – meaning,only YOU should have access to it. You. And nobody else but YOU. Let her know that from day one. And please be serious about it. It works.

2. Pattern Pattern Pattern (Phone Lock) 
Your phone needs to be very familiar (and friendly) with phone lock Apps on Mobile. You cannot walk around this city with an easily accessible phone no more. Find the toughest pattern and use it. Let her take two hours circling around that phone before she can ever unlock it. And if you’re not a fan of patterns (you can easily forget your OWN pattern yourself lol) you can try using a PIN number to unlock your phone. The pin shouldn’t be simple. Neither should it consist of just four numbers. Make it as tough as the US secret Service code. Make that PIN number longer than the Ethiopian drought.

3. It Wasn’t Me. 
Jamaican star Shaggy popularized that song. It’s about time you did the smash hit some justice. And applied it in your day to day life. Never admit liability. Never. Always say, ” It wasn’t me ”. Doesn’t matter how much evidence she has collected. Doesn’t matter what she says. And even if she dragged your side butch and has locked her up in your granary, still,you should say ” It wasn’t me ”. That line has worked for millions of men before. Why not you? Deny deny deny. She’ll give up.

4. Avoid Text Messages 
Texting your side bitch is never good news. Never. These texts always end up plunging you into trouble. The side bitch herself could be a real bitch who actually saves the texts and forwards them to her bitchy girls. Or screenshots them. Texts are shit. Avoid them. All you can. And if you have to text her,make them very simple,straight to the point and emotionless. Don’t send the bitch emoji icons. Or tell her you love her via text. It never ends well. But we still advocate for NOT texting her at all at all. You’ll be safe.

5. Don’t Keep The Girl For Too Long 
Never keep a side girl for too long. Two months should be enough for you to use her and dump her. The quicker the better. The more you retain a side hoe, the more she starts getting attached to you,starts falling in love with you and starts thinking you have a future together. Use them and dump them fastest possible. Don’t give them time to feel too comfortable. Or to get too close. Otherwise,you’ll be busted. She’s like a tampon- comfortable and handy when fresh but dirty and smelly when used. Let her go. And then get another tampon.

6. Avoid Sleeping Out 
No matter what you do,sleeping out is never a good sign of a faithful hubby. Even if you’re cheating on Wifey with the whole Tom Mboya Street,at least come home. It gives them a feeling of a committed hubby. Sleeping Out is always bad news. Always. There’s no excuse you can give after sleeping out that seems to work. She’s already made up her mind, ” You were with that whore”. So, just come home. However late it might be. But coming home as late as 3am in the morning doesn’t help matters either. That’s equivalent to sleeping out anyway. I’m not saying you show up at 6pm. I’m just saying, show up at a reasonable hour. Always.

7. Weekdays For Side B**ch, Weekends For Wifey 
Never forget that. Wanna see your little skinny hoes? Schedule them over the weekday. They’ll understand. They SHOULD understand. Weekends are not for them skinny girls. Weekends are for Mama Watoto. End of story. Doesn’t matter how many side hoes you have. You could be sleeping with the whole of Luthuli Avenue. But even that Avenue has to find time for you over the WEEK DAY. If she’s too busy on a weekday, she’s too busy for you anyway. Leave the tramp.

8. Always Have An Alibi
An alibi is someone who helps you lie by collaborating with you in your grand scheme of lies. You should always have someone, mostly a man, who can, any given time, agree with you on whatever version of lie you are serving your wife. That man should always stick by you and swear by your word. If you tell Wifey, ” I was at State House for a meeting with The President… And that’s why I got late… ” Your alibi should agree with that and say that he actually was with you. He should also add that he was, in fact, the one who organized the meeting and rebuke you for attempting to take a photo with the President. Perfect.

9. Give Wifey Her Conjugal Rights 
Yes, denying her her sexual needs is the first sign of a cheating bastard. Satisfy Mama Watoto. Always. Sleep with her every night. Turn her on. Tell her she’s sexy. Treat her nice. Go down on her. Try different styles with her. Tickle her. Lick her where she least expects. Make her cum. Pound her like a sack of grains. Make her sweat and heave. Give it to her three to four times a week. And she’ll NEVER suspect you’re cheating. Deny her the meat and you’ve already sold your cheeky self. In short,confuse her with the D. Women love to be confused.

10. No Photos 
QUIT taking pictures with your little skinny hoes. Quit taking selfies with them. Or after-sex pics. That’s a huge no-no. The only picture of you and her should only exist in your minds. Not in real life. Your face should never be in her phone gallery. Or your little, hung manhood. That’s forbidden. Don’t exchange nude pics either. And don’t ask her for any. Photography is a capital offense for any serious cheater. Photos always end up where they were never intended to end up. Mess around at your own risk.

Go ye,and cheat in peace.