Kama Mbaya Mbaya

There are situations that trigger you to throw caution to the wind.  The good people at the Coast will say “Liwe Liwalo.” The elegant Britons in Sussex and Nottingham will say “Whatever happens, let it happen, mate.” And the ordinary young Kenyans like me will say “Kama mbaya mbaya,” or “Kama noma noma.”

A few years ago, I met this pretty girl on Instagram. Her body was a wondrous piece of real estate – acres of hips, legs that were as curvy as the famous Burj Al Arab hotel and a hilly backside. After a few weeks of chatting, she agreed to come all the way from Komarock to my house in Kahawa Sukari.

There was never any sense of uncertainty regarding what was supposed to happen. We were both in agreement that sex on the first date wasn’t such a terrible thing. So, within the first minutes of her arriving, we were already attire-less in my bedroom, ready to do a battle of the bodies. Like FBI agents with a search warrant hoping to find a murder weapon, I quickly checked drawers and pockets of my clothes for a pack of condoms. I was sure I had bought them just the previous day but the devu made sure I couldn’t find it.

“Philip… what’s up?” she inquired.

“Mmm… sioni penye nilieka condoms,” I scratched my head.

“Achana nazo. Kuja tu.” Her words were soft and inviting.

I quit searching and stared at her. Lying on my bed naked, she looked like a cover model on a Playboy issue. Her aura and poise were unrivaled.

Her passion and sense of longing were evident on her innocent face. Her craving for lovemaking could be seen in the crease of her lovely brow and the down-curve of her succulent lips. But her bright eyes, her big, bright eyes showed her soul. They were a deep pool of restless glitter, a sea of glamorous pearls. They were portals that could swallow galaxies. As my own eyes scanned her body like a barcode reader, I knew all the beauty of the universe could not even hope to compete with hers. She stared right back at me. Excitement turned her eyes into orbs of the brightest fire and in them, I read clearly that she would give me the best sex of my life.

At that moment, I thought about whether I should put on my clothes and rush to the nearest chemist to get condoms. It was too far. Maybe I’d take too long and she’d lose interest.

So, I crawled above her slowly like a leopard in the Amboseli. Once again, I thought about putting my clothes back on but then she plugged her lips onto mine. With the kiss came electric tingles and the irresistible desire to play. No other single word needed to be said after that, centuries of evolution had already taken care of the message.

Without doing any more thinking, I said to myself, “Kama mbaya mbaya.”

We got right to it. She clung to me like a tick on a Friesian cow. The next five hours were totally unforgettable. We just kept going and going – never getting enough of each other.

The moment of truth came during our blissful post-coitus chat.

“So, when was the last time you had sex?” she asked me.

“A few minutes ago… with you,” I responded with a smile.

“Silly. I mean before me,” she laughed.

“Umm… It was two months ago. What about you?” (a man has to make it seem longer in order to not look like a player)

“About three weeks ago.”

‘’Ooh… wow!. Who was it? Your boyfriend?”

“No. Just some random guy that I met in a club.”

“Did you use condoms?”

“I don’t even remember. I was so drunk yani. That night was lit.”

What? She didn’t remember?  At the moment, I totally freaked out. As I took her to the stage to board a matatu, my heart couldn’t stop beating. After waving goodbye to her, I rushed to a clinic and got tested immediately, as if any infection could have manifested itself in a few hours. But this didn’t give me peace. I kept freaking out and doing multiple tests over the next three months just to make sure I was okay.

I was finally relieved when the nurse told me to relax. “You’ve come here too many times. You are fine… Sawa? Use protection in the future. Or always test first.”

This situation could have been avoided if we probably got tested first. In fact, the clinic was actually nearer my home than the chemist.  But what would have been even better is if there were self-testing kits in those days. I could have just kept a few at home and tested myself together with the lady before we did our thing. I could have easily prevented myself from freaking out over nothing.

Luckily, #ChukuaSelfie has come to the rescue of people who find themselves in dilemmas like mine. There’s a new self-testing kit called a Selfie kit that allows you to test yourself to know your HIV status at the comfort and privacy of your home.

The kit has two testing options. There’s blood testing and oral testing. The oral one sounds more convenient to me since it doesn’t involve pricking. You just swab it over your genitals… sorry, I mean gums… and inner cheeks. Within a couple of minutes, you get accurate results.

In case you turn out positive, you still need to go to a hospital or clinic for confirmation. Being positive is not the end of the world. New research has shown that if anti-retroviral medication is taken accordingly, the virus stops replicating completely and patients may never develop AIDs. That’s right.

So how do you get the Selfie kit? It is available in chemists and pharmacies across the country. But you can also order it online via the MyDawa app and the Kasha online shops at a 15% discount.

Know your status and have a fantastic sex life. #ChukuaSelfie