10 Types Of People You Find In Eastlands
I wrote about Eastlando peeps a while back when I was still a novice but l guess it’s time to expound a little more. Eastlands or ‘Eastlando’ is a vast residential area in Nairobi. Like every other hood, it has its peculiarities and idiosyncrasies. I’ve lived in Eastlands most of my life. I grew up in Donholm when it was still underdeveloped then stayed with my bro in a single room in Riruta Satellite and Pangani for a long time. Right now I have a two-bedroom house all to myself in a gated community yet I am just in my mid-twenties. By the time i am 30, I’ll probably be owning a ten million dollar mansion in Marbella. Can I get an Amen? I won’t mention the estate i currently live because I don’t want to find whores lined up at my door. Of course I just had to brag. I am Etemesi. And Etemesi never shies away from braggadocio
Stereotypes aside, there is no better part of the city to experience the ‘real’ Nairobi life than Eastlands. My heart is still in Eastlands and I have hundreds of buddies there. I could win an election in one of the constituencies in Eastlands. It’s only in ‘Eastlando’ where you’ll go to a shop and find a guy buying the weirdest combination of things: “Nipatie condom moja, maziwa ndogo na wembe.” The interesting part is that the guy is buying all those things on credit. It’s amazing, the kind of characters you’ll come across, especially in residential ‘plots’. Here are the most common:
1. Mama ‘Moshene’
She’s the ‘mama yao’ aka gossip queen. This lady knows everything that happens in the plot, real or imagined. She’s always talking about other people and what they do. She loves criticizing yet she’s far from perfect herself. She’s always keeping secrets of her own but meddling in other people’s affairs. When you get fat, she’ll say you are on ARVs and when you get thin she’ll say you might be infected with HIV. The sorry part is she’s shapeless herself, looking like a sack of viazi from Molo
2. Broke guy/jobless guy/idler
This is the kind of guy you’ll always find present in your hood. Most of the times, he likes hanging out ‘kwa base’ with the boys and chewing ‘mogoka’ or ‘miraa’. This is the guy that always has problems paying the rent and his house gets locked up by the landlord from time to time. The idler also prefers asking for assistance and small loans from friends instead of looking for money.
3. The annoying caretaker
Caretakers make life a living hell for the tenants. Their favorite past time is harassing tenants who are doing well in life with petty issues. The annoying caretaker will knock on your door just after you bring in that chick that you’ve been dying to smash. When you don’t open the door, he’ll start shouting, “Fungua! Ni caretaker! Nimekujia ile pesa ya takataka. Haujalipa miezi mbili!” By the way, a good number of eastlando girls prefer action with ‘lights off’. I haven’t figured out why yet.
4. The hustler
This is the guy with the deals. He’s always selling different kinds of black market commodities. Sometimes, you’ll see him suspiciously looking people entering his house. The hustler is generally a good guy but occasionally police will raid his house looking for a stolen phone that he was brokering. They never really find anything and end up releasing the guy.
5. Players
Players and whores go too far when it comes to the seduction game. Once in a while you’ll find them involved in catfights because they stole someone’s wife or husband. These are also the kind of people that piss you off. Just when you are experiencing your dry spell, they bring in a different catch every night. To make matters worse, the women that players bring in their houses are always the screaming type. During sex, they yell like a slave that’s being flogged in that popular TV series called ‘Roots’
6. The drunkard
At 2am, when you are going to take a piss, you’ll find the drunkard guy at his door trying to unlock the padlock. Most of the time, the possibility is always that he had been standing there for the past hour unable to locate the padlock because he’s seeing several of them. Sometimes he gets frustrated and starts banging on his door while shouting, “Fungua!” yet his house is locked from outside and there’s no one in. I love drunkards.
7. The hot chic
There’s always that chic that most men at the hood have their eyes on. She’s always sweet and humble and guys find all sorts of excuses to knock at her door. The list of suitors stretches out from the landlord to the broke guy. The sad part is always she ends up giving in to a guy who doesn’t even deserve her. Then you ask yourself that ultimate question, “kwani huyu dem aliona nini kwa huyo mse?” But that’s ‘eastlando’ for you.
8. The noisemaker
The noisemaker assumes that everyone loves riddims or Young Thug songs. The most expensive item in his house is the woofer and he makes good use of it. Just when you are about to relax, you are kicked out your peace by ‘Nyongwa’ on full blast. Sometimes, early on a Saturday morning when you are clogged with hangover and yearning for some deep sleep, you are woken up by ‘Panda….Panda….Panda’ on maximum volume. Surely, these are the kinds of guys that make you roll up your shirt’s sleeve then go ahead to kick their ass
9. The family guy
This is the guy with lots of kids who are always running around the plot. How his big family fits in his small house always remains a mystery. Try being friends with one of the kids and they’ll tell you, “Jana usiku tuliona daddy akilala juu ya mummy. Kumbe daddy sio mzito hata!”
10. The misplaced guy
This is the guy that owns a Land Cruiser but lives in a bed sitter. You can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with him. Every morning, you see him leaving, wearing his expensive suit and looking all flashy. Sometimes the guy disappears for days before coming back. After racking up your brain for a long time, trying to analyze the guy’s confusing life, you finally conclude that he might be a criminal.
