A Letter To American Rapper 2 Chainz

Dear 2 Chainz

You should know one thing…..Kenya sio ya mama yako bwana….Yani last month you just shunned our country like that and you didn’t even bother to offer any explanations. Relax. I am not about to hurl insults at you .I ain’t feeling that type of way. You know what I’m taking bout? Anyway, I heard you will be performing in Nairobi this Friday. That’s great. At least the angst and tension of the preceding few weeks have dissipated. I’m prepared to “throw my hands in the air and wave ’em like I just don’t care.”

But first, just like a mboch, let me fill you with some moshene. Several conspiracy theories emerged on why you didn’t show up the previous time.

Some said the CIA warned you about a dangerous disease that was sweeping Africa. Some said you received a bo0ty call from a video vixen called Vivica Hendrix hence you couldn’t forego tapping that. Some even said that Drake was about to steal your girlfriend like he did with Tyga and Chris Brown. As a result you stayed behind to work things out and protect your bish from the claws of Drizzy. People talk in this country…people talk. Now to a few guidelines on survival in the 254

Be weary of the socialites. They will do anything to get in your hotel room. There’s one called Pendo and another one called Huddah – Dangerous chics those ones. I know I’m cockblocking some individuals here but dear Mr. Chainz, if you want to avoid sex scandals run for your life if you see those two. They treat ‘D’s as trophies. You have hustled so hard. You can’t afford to be brought down by a mere Kenyan socialite. Tell your bouncers to be on the lookout.

All the other women are good. The Njeris and Akinyis will confuse you more than Wiz Khalifa’s weed. They are armed with perfect posteriors and courage as well. They will scream for you and parade a sea of cleavages just next to the stage. Don’t forget your lyrics as a result. Some of our artistes will approach you for collabos too. Be nice to them

This country is addictive. The moment you taste those Maindi Chomas, you will be dreaming about Kenya every night. Wonder why one Alaine Wambui from Jamaica comes to visit so often? I think she just found a thirsty guy in Kayole who lied he would marry her. Her optimism is admirable. For your information, she’ll be in Nakuru the same night you’ll be performing. I can hear you saying, “Who the hell is Alaine?”

Before I forget, take care of your chains bro or you might end up calling yourself One Chain by the time you are boarding a plane back to Atlanta. Since your jewelry is made from real carat gold and not like the fake ones our Oga brothers wrap around their necks, you’ll be a target for professional kauzis. Don’t dare throw caution to the wind or you might just see your missing chain being sold on OLX for ‘bei ya kuongea’. And there are no feds here to trace it here. The struggle is real. Karibu Kenya

Sa jua ya iyo story niaje ticko? Niko pabaya jo.

Sincerely

Philip Etemesi (Your baby mama’s favorite writer)