CABU GAH DIARIES: I watched Caroline Mutoko and Prezzo get Married. Then Divorced. And a few other Kenyan Celebrities too.

Amber Rose is DIVORCING Wiz Khalifa. Jordin Sparks has BROKEN UP with Jason Derulo. Its Official. The Break-Up season is here. The Demon of Divorce has arrived!

What causes Divorce?? Well,Its a lot of things. Hollywood Celebrities love citing the cliche line, ”Irreconcilable differences”. But what really causes divorces?? Its a myriad of reasons ranging from Ego to Cheating to Irresponsibility to Boredom to Desire for Freedom to Lovelessness. All these factors can cause a divorce. And it gets even messier when the Divorce involves Celebrities….Yes,the most superficial and vain and egocentric people in society.

Hollywood is littered with the most absurd divorces in history. For the most irrational reasons. Some marriages have wrapped up quicker than a chicken copulation. The shortest of which was caused by Britney Spears who divorced her fresh hubby Jason Alexander. Britney called for a divorce TWO DAYS after getting married! TWO DAYS!

Other short marriages include that of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries which lasted a paltry 72 days! Or that of Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman which lasted 6 Days! Or that of Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds which lasted a measly 2 weeks. Whoa! Celebrity Marriages are quite some work…

So,I decided to pair up a bunch of Kenya’s Most Popular Celebrities….I have taken them to Church…Gotten them married and then watched them divorce.

Below,I outline to You some of the Celebrities…Where they got married,how long the marriage lasted and the reasons why they divorced.

CAROLINE MUTOKO AND PREZZO.

Venue: Big Big Wedding…At a private ranch in Ghana. Owned by the Radio Africa Boss. Alot of Yellow Flowers…And red roses too…Alot of bling…Alot of people. Alot of Ego. Not so much food. Not so many smiles.  Alot of Big Cars. Alot of champagne….

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 34 Days.

DIVORCE: By the 23rd day,Prezzo is tired of Carol’s huge ego. Because,as we all know,Caro stopped cooking for Prezzo by Day 5. Dont even talk of his clothes….she has NEVER washed them. Or seen them. Carol is NEVER home anyway…too busy meeting too many people. Carol comes home at 11pm every night. Prezzo comes home 4 hours later. Carol doesn’t like Bling. Or blinged teeth. So they’ve NEVER kissed. And on Prezzo’s side,Its worse. He shows up at 2am. Every night. Drunk like Makanga wa Kayole. Prezzo also insists on going to bed wearing his Versace shoes. Plus Prezzo wouldn’t quit flirting with his 47 Ex-Girlfriends. From Tanzania to Ghana to Senegal. Plus Prezzo eats designer food. And Carol has NO idea on how to prepare a Gucci Ugali. Or Loui Vuitton Matoke. Hii marriage ni bure kabisa! By day 34,Its over! Prezzo goes back to his 2004 Ex-Girlfriend. Carol goes back to Meeting her bosses. Huddah is happy. So is Chagga Barbie. And 76 other Socialites.

JUACALI AND VERA SIDIKA.

VENUE: Big Big Wedding…At the Masaai Mara. Hundreds of Cameras…And News Journalists. From BBC to CNN to Inooro Fm. A billion Flowers…45 Limousines. A hot air balloon. 5 Lions. A Plastic surgeon on standby. 3 Ambulances. And the Founder of Instagram.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 2 Months.

DIVORCE: You can blame it all on Vera. Juacali was a good guy anyway. Juacali was home by 6pm Everyday. Akiwa amebeba nyama na mkate ya Naivas. But Vera was NEVER home. Like,NEVER HOME! She was always out there….striking deals,finalizing on a surgery,meeting investors who wanted to invest in her body, shooting 4 Reality shows per day. Vera never showed up at home. Ever! Juacali ended up buying a dog. At Kangemi. Too Bad,the dog didn’t like him either. It disappeared by day 3. Never came back. Juacali got lonely. And lonelier. And loneliest. He decided enough was enough. He tried to call Vera. She was OFF. Everyday. He inboxed her on Facebook…told her,”Veraaaaa Unajua Niaaaje…Nataka Divorce…” Vera replies 6 days later. With a smiley face. Na hapo ndipo ndoa illiishia. Goodbye,Mrs.Juacali. It was NEVER meant to be.

RISPER FAITH AND BLAQY.

VENUE: Kawangware PCEA Church. 13 People showed up. 3 borrowed Cars. One photographer…who also is the Best Man. Alot of food. From Dagoretti Women’s Outside Catering Services. Alot of Blaqy’s music. No flowers. 99 Balloons.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 13 Days.

DIVORCE: From Day One,Risper Faith started asking Blaqy to pay her for marrying her. Blaqy thought that was stupid. And called Ghafla to complain. Risper was a good cook…But she would cook then eat it all. Leaving Mr.Blaqy starving. Poor Boy. Blaqy also made things worse by insisting that ONLY his music would be played in the house. No other music. Risper also complicated things. Blaqy would buy a 2-litre Golden Fry cooking oil container. And instead of using it to cook,Risper would sprinkle it allover herself. Every morning. Things also got awkward when Risper started stealing Blaqy’s Black boxers. And selling them on OLX. Blaqy got even more pissed off after Risper started leaving negative comments on his Youtube videos. Na hapo ndipo ndoa ilimalizikia. By Day 12,Blaqy had quit Risper. And music too.

ANGELINE WANJERI OF KISS TV AND BAHATI.

VENUE: NPC,Valley Road. Angeline’s Bridal Dress is actually a see-through mini-skirt. Angeline is the Wedding MC. And Presiding Pastor. And photographer. Alot of flowers. And Gospel Artistes. Not enough food. Magari za kifahari. 100 red balloons.

DURATION OF WEDDING: 2 Years.

DIVORCE: Two Years is a LONG time. Very long. Because Bahati is born again. And loves God. And people. Angeline, actually, was the Husband in the marriage. The ONLY time Bahati spoke during the marriage is the day his said his vows. And from there on,Bahati never said a word. Labda Kulia tu. Machozi Machozi. Angeline would come home late and start presenting gossip to the neighbors. Bahati would complain about something. And then Angeline would laugh. Laugh hard. Bahati stared getting tired. And wishing he married a rock. Angeline would bring the whole KISS TV crew home. And Bahati would be forced kulala kwa servant quaters…Akiimba Visa…Visa…Bahati got tired. And asked for a Divorce. Angeline laughed hard. Laughed till the following day. Na mambo ikaishia hapo. What a sad 2 Years.

ANTO NEO SOUL AND MUTHONI DRUMMER QUEEN.

Venue: A random blankets event. With performances from Makadem. And Eric Wainaina. Alot of Nyama Choma. Dreadlocks. And weird people.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 40 Days.

DIVORCE: Muthoni wouldn’t stop behaving like a MAN. Anto wouldn’t STOP behaving like a Woman. Muthoni wouldn’t STOP talking like a Man. Anto wouldn’t STOP talking like a Woman. Marriage had to end. Its a marriage…Not a transgender festival.

BONOKO AND HUDDAH MONROE.

Venue: Two Weddings…One at Globe Cinema Roundabout,Ngara. And another at Kileleshwa. Kwa Nyumba ya Prezzo. Few people attend. 3 NGOs attend. And a billion photographers.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE:14 minutes.

DIVORCE: Huddah was DRUNK the whole time. She sobered up by the 14th Minute. And wondered who was this nigga snoring next to her. Dreaming out aloud. Bonoko was high too. The whole time…And he sobered up by he 14th Minute too…Huddah screamed out loud…Grabbed her phone and called Prezzo. Who showed up 5 seconds later…Drunk as well. Bonoko laughed..And asked…”Eh,nimejipataje hapa na uyu mlebo. Heeeey Plesssooo Plesssoooo napenda goma zako. mo faya mo faya! Uyu diye Udah? Ama ni Vela?? Awa ma shosholait akia mungu…Lakini hakuna ulala…” Prezzo grabs Huddah and drives off…Bonoko smokes a joint. And prays for a better day. Jah Rastafari. Safala wa Mungu.

RABBIT AND LILIAN MULI.

Venue: Mombasa…Diani Beach. Alot of flowers.Alot of people. Not enough food. Big cars. Many celebrities. And a TV crew.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 6 hours.

DIVORCE: Lilian Muli couldn’t understand a single thing Rabbit said. Rabbit couldn’t understand as single thing Lilian said. Marriage dissolved.

LARRY MADOWO AND VANESSA CHETTLE.

Venue: Changes Club,Westlands. Too much shisha. Too much semi-nudity. Too much noise. Too much screaming. Too much drunkenness. Too much food. Too much crap.

Duration of marriage: 3 Months….

DIVORCE: 3 months is actually because Larry Madowo is a very very very patient human being. From day one,Vanessa NEVER acted like the Wife. Always acted like she was Madowo’s little sister. Wouldn’t cook for him. And the one day she made him soup,Larry actually ended up at Mater Hospital. One night,she actually served him Shisha for dinner. Larry remained patient. Extending his THE TREND programme because he feared going home. Vanessa would bring 60 nude friends everyday home. Forcing Larry to sleep at the NTV studios. Victoria Rubadiri tried talking to Vanessa. It didnt work. Vanessa actually tried introducing Victoria to Shisha. Larry remained patient. And cried all night. Vanessa didn’t want kids. And yet Larry wanted 14 kids. Vanessa hated marriage. And one day,walked out to attend Blankets and Wine…she never came back. Larry learned about the divorce through Ghafla. And invited Vanessa on THE TREND following Friday to interview her about their marriage.

TINA KAGGIA AND KENRAZY

Venue; Government Offices…Harambee Avenue.

DURATION OF MARRIAGE: 3 Years.

DIVORCE: Yes,even after 3 good Years,a marriage had to END! Actually,the ONLY reason Tina Kaggia ever agreed to marry Kenrazy is because he is friends with her elder brother,DNA.  From Day One,Tina made it clear that her Radio Africa career was much more important to her than cooking Ugali mbuta for Kenrazzy. She made it clear that she wouldnt eer touch his underwears…Either to wash them or for bedroom purposes. Kenrazzy was starved. In all ways. But the good people at Grandpa Records encouraged him. And asked him to keep recording for free…And performing for free too. Tina started beating up Kenrazzy. Beating him up for many reasons: His music…His dressing code…His height..His..Oh so many things! Day after Day,Razzy would enconter Tina’s beatings. Until one day he recorded a track called,MBILIKIMO MJANJA. And,pretending to be off shooting his music video,quit the marriage. Tina went back home. And started beating herself up.