CABU GAH DIARIES: Redsan is a TERRORIST. Poor Guy. But How Did He end up Being Mistaken?? Well,Here are Kenyan Celebrities who can NEVER Be Mistaken By the Police. NEVER!

Over the weekend,Raggamuffin Artiste Redsan found himself in some rather unfamiliar territory after he was hauled to jail and accused of being a terrorist! Wow! How could the Police NOT identify him??

Redsan,Kenya’s foremost music pioneer,was arrested by the Kenya Police over the weekend after 6 hours-Yes,6- of a spirited car chase across town. Redsan had earlier been flagged down by police on Uhuru Highway but,since he was allegedly carrying a gun in his car(which had NO number plates to start with) Redsan thought against the idea of stopping for a random police search.

So,he and his crew thought quick and decided to evade the Police and speed down the Road.

Well,what followed could inspire the guys at 20th Century Fox to script and produce a Hollywood Blockbuster.

Redsan and his crew were chased down across Nairobi…in breakneck speed. It got so interesting, the Police had to call for Backup! And guess who shows up??Anti-terrorism Police Unit! Whoa! Drama went on for a whole 6 hours! Vin Diesel-style.

But how could the police NOT recognize Redsan after they first stopped him and saw him?? Or even after they hauled him in jail for over 10 hours??

Well,Redsan is NOT the MOST easily recognizable Kenyan Celebrity we have.

For starters,Redsan STILL wears a du-rag! Damn! Who wears a du-rag anymore??? I bet even the guy who invented du-rags doesn’t wear them anymore.

Ok…Redsan wears a du-rag. And a suit. And a watch. Well….that’s the classic ‘Who the Hell is this guy’ wardrobe.

Redsan wears a suit. Everyday! Which Celebrity walks around in a suit?? A suit?? Do You know who else wears a suit?? Conmen and Dictators. That’s who.

Thirdly,Redsan is the MOST reclusive Kenyan Artists. He is NEVER visible. Ever. No one even knows where he lives.

He only appears time after time to curtain raise for akina Alaine and Busy Signal. And then he crawls back to the Ethiopian cave he hides in.

Nigga is so reclusive,so hideous,he couldn’t even create time to shoot a Music Video for his smaaaaash hit BADDER THAN MOST. He is the Kim Um-Jong of Kenyan Celebrities.

He only appears in public 3 times per Year. Well….NO WONDER the Police couldn’t tell who the hell this guy was.

Redsan aside, Here are KENYAN CELEBRITIES WHO CAN NEVER BE MISTAKEN by the Kenya Police. Ever!! Because their voices or faces or mannerisms or bodies are wayyy tooo familiar.

1. FRED OBACHI MACHOKA- He of the Roga Roga Fame. Fred has been hosting the Citizen Radio Saturday afternoon show for a million Years now. And his gruffy,hoarse voice is the most unmistakable Voice on Kenyan Radio. No Police Officer can hold Fred Obachi Machoka at ANY Police Cell in Any part of this Country without noticing his acutely-unique Radio Voice. Or even his standout looks. Everyone knows Fred. He is UNMISTAKABLE.

2. JAGUAR- Heck,He is NOT just a Kenyan Artiste, But The President’s BFF. Jaguar is one of the most familiar singing voices the Police have ever seen. He is almost always with the President! In State House…in London…Everywhere. Plus I highly suspect that part of Jaguar’s security detail is drawn from the Presidential Escort. No Police officer can mistake Jaguar. Or hold him by mistake. You DO NOT do that to the President’s Best Friends!

3. LEONARD MAMBO MBOTELA- Well…Well….Well….this is the Most Iconic Radio Personality Kenya ever ever had. And his Voice?? One in a Million! No one talks like Mambo Mbotela. No one can. And His face?? Super familiar. You can recognize it in Your sleep. No one doesn’t know Leonard. No one. Radio’s MOST LEGENDARY Face. And Voice. The Police better know that!

4. INSPEKTA MWALA- His diminutive height works best for him. And his signature,sharp voice is another wonder. And his face?? Wayyy tooo familiar. Plus he plays a leading Kenyan Cop on TV. A show watched by 80% of all Kenyan Cops. Hard to be mistaken. Hard. Very hard.

5. BONIFACE MWANGI. Well,Boniface’s voice is nothing special. Anyone can talk like him. His face? Nothing special either. His name?? Hmmm just a little famous. So what would make the Kenyan Police immediately recognize Boniface Mwangi ?? Well,the simple fact that he has been arrested 200 times before by the Nairobi Police. And also the fact that he has spent the night in 99% of all Nairobi Police stations. From Kamukunji to Kasarani to Kiamumbi. All Nairobi OCSs know him. Show up with Boniface and they all go,”Hii si ni ile kijana ya Mapambano??”

6. PAPA SHIRANDULA- that Body….that super-popular TV show….those facial features….that laughter….the gap in the teeth…the fact that he has done sooo many commercials. Who can mistake Papa Shirandula?? Who??? Anything that can breathe knows Papa Shirandula. Including the earthworms in Your grandfather’s greenhouse.

7. OKOITI OMTATA- Which Police Officer can forget the guy who chained himself at the Vigilance House Front Gates??? Which Police Officer can forget the guy who has been in every single Political protest since 1988?? Who can mistake that shrieking, peculiar voice?? Or that unassuming but common street face?? Plus hasn’t he,like Boniface Mwangi ,spent the night in almost all Nairobi Cells already?? Too familiar to be mistaken.

8. ERICK OMONDI- Another day,another joke. Eric’s skinny body is the stuff of legend. His spiky dyed dreadlocks stick out like a sore thumb. His voice has been permanently engraved into the eardrums of Kenyans. And his facial features stand out from miles away. And that smile?? Even goats can recognize it. Eric is hard to mistake. Too hard!

9. CHURCHILL – If You are hosting the Most Watched TV show in Kenya,eponymously named,winning awards and ratings across all counties, hosting each and every prominent leader alive,You are bound to be legendary. Churchill’s skin tone is unmistakable. His smile is like a National landscape. His voice is as ubiquitous as a KANU Nyayo anthem. And his face has been indelibly ingrained into the minds of ALL Kenyans. For almost a decade. Churchill can never be mistaken! Not by a Police officer. Not by a regular Kenyan.

10. JEFF KOINANGE: His laughter alone is as easily recognizable as an MPESA shop in Isiolo. And those facial features….that perceptible smile…that hairline… And hair….the burly body…those crisp suits and then THAT ALMIGHTY BOOMING VOICE…With that One-in-a-Million Accent. No. You CANNOT mistake Jeff Koinange. You just can’t! He’s close to being a National monument.

Maybe there are others….But the fact that I couldn’t trace them in My Top 10 list,means they are NOT that distinguishable. Or easily recognizable.

But How do You stay recognizable??

Your distinct looks,distinct voice,gait, mannerisms, accent,familiarity,body and facial features.

And the Celebrities above perfectly fit the list. PERFECTLY.

Meanwhile, So who supplies Your explosives,Mr.Redsan?? Haha.