CABU GAH DIARIES: These are the Female Kenyan Celebrities You Can Never Mess With! Because They can Beat You Up senselessly. Or End Your Career.

Last week word went round that Capital FM Presenter Miss Mandi had not only beaten up fellow Capital Presenter Anita Nderu but had also attempted to throw her into a blazing fire!! But Miss Mandi is NOT the ONLY Bad Girl in town.

Miss Mandi is just THAT GIRL. Badder than Most…Fierce, Dangerous and vicious. Her face and hair and claws and eyes tell it all- Miss Mandi is THE mama You do not want to mess with.

She won’t necessarily pick fights with You on Twitter, but when she grabs Your little ass,she will shred it so bad ,beat it so bad You will end up looking like a civil war victim in the streets of Syria….Or Iraq.

And Miss Mandi is NOT the only female warrior we have…There are other Internationally renown women with a history of beating Up their opponents ,roughing them up,choking them,slapping them silly,shooting at them,or totally emasculating them.

Here we are talking of The Queen of Tantrums, Naomi Campbell. And also U.S Rappers Lil Kim, Remy Ma and Da Brat. Also Soul singers Whitney Houston and Patti Labelle. And also African singers like the Late Brenda Fassie and Lady Jay Dee.

And locally,there are Female Celebrities YOU DO NOT WANT TI MESS WITH. Because they are Bad. And vicious. And can kill with the viciousness of a wounded lioness on a sunny afternoon in the Serengeti.

1. CESS MUTUNGI. I do not know much about Cess. But I Do Know that NOBODY messes with Madame Cess. Naah. You just don’t! Cess is like an endangered Indian tigress. And Cess has claws long enough to tear You up so ruthlessly she will leave You helplessly panting for air. And a blood donation. Cess is NOT Your average Mama. No. Cess is a Badass. You are WARNED!! Stay safe. Avoid Cess.

2. TINA KAGGIA. Tina’s history of violent outburst and physical altercations is well documented. It has been previously reported that Tina ameshawai pea kajamaa flani kichapo cha mbwa. Tina will beat You up! Anywhere and everywhere! Tina doesn’t choose who to land on. Or who to destroy. Tina is a blazing fire! Avoid her! And avoid crossing her paths. Tafathali. Moto sana!

3. RACHAEL SHEBESH. Forget the legendary Kofi Ya Kidero. Shebesh can be a bad one. A Bad,Bad One. Shebesh is the type of woman that will show up at some swanky club in Hurlingham past midnight and start the fight of the Year. With guns and gang members. For hours. Waaaaaaaah!! Kaa mbali na Shebesh. She can tear You up. Kama Karatasi ya Mkate. Byad Girl Number One. Hotter than kiboko cha Lengo Mudzomba…Raila’s Kwale Chief Whip. Haha.

4. CAROLINE MUTOKO. Queens are meant to be respected. And feared. And obeyed. And worshiped. And Queen Carol is the quintessential Queen. Miss Mutoko is known as the Official No-Nonsense Mama. No one messes with Carol. And it doesn’t matter who You are. Carol will put You in Your place. And end Your career. Within 13 minutes. Don’t be fooled by that smile. Please DON’T. Stay WARNED.

5. THE VIOJA MAHAKAMANI JUDGE. I do not know much about her. Heck,I don’t even know her name! But going by her legendary TV show character,would You wanna mess with Madam Judge?? NEVER!! She looks like the kind that will whip You bad. Wash You up. And hang You like an old underwear in Dagoretti. Bad ass Judge.

6. VANESSA CHETTLE. She could be tiny. But No,don’t be fooled! This girl has the spirit of 16 warriors of the Spartacus era. Vanessa parties like a homeless raccoon. She is never home. And she never stops. This is the same girl who started such a huge pub fight at the Nakuru 7s After Party,she had to be rushed to hospital…Bleeding like a captured terrorist. Akadungwe sindano za kuwa mpole. Vanessa is a beast. A bloodthirsty beast! Stay safe……

7. MARY WAMBUI. Othaya Othaya Othaya. The constituency with the dubious reputation of producing some of the most rambunctious women ever. Mary is the KING of Drama. Yes,KING!! Ask her political opponents. Ama hata Mzee Kibaki. Mary won’t talk much. But when she picks on You,Ole wako. Shit is about to go down!!! Run,People,Run!!! The Lioness is here!!! Grrrrrr Grrrrrrr Grrrrrrr!

8. ORIE ROGO MANDULI- Manduli can beat up the whole Kenyan Male Population in less than 7 minutes. Manduli is a dragon. Who breathes fire and smoke….Like the Biblical ancient creatures. Manduli is the Ultimate Total Man! Yes,Man! Sorry…Biwott. Manduli can singlehandedly beat up the whole Tanzanian Army. And put their Commander in detention in her kitchen. Do NOT MESS WITH THE BOSS. Manduli can mercilessly destroy You. Mercilessly.

9. MARTHA KARUA. Martha has been the MOST FEARED Woman in Parliament since 1876. And that has NEVER changed! Martha never smiles. And never laughs. She is constantly pissed off! And ready for war. With anyone. Anywhere. Damn,she even picks fights on Twitter. Whatever You do,Leave Queen Martha Alone. This Mama can finish You. Hey,this is the same woman who was famously called the ONLY MAN in Kibaki’s Cabinet. Mambo Ya Martha achana nayo. She’s too hot to handle!

10. PIZZO DIZZO- Thank God this Grandpa Records Female rapper is pregnant! Who knows how much danger she would be putting everyone in if she wasn’t!! I mean,Pizzo Dizzo is ths same woman who brought You the violence-oriented hit FIMBO CHAPA. And introduced lines like,”Unacheka na nani?? Eeeeh?? Si tumekam kuwachapa! Tutawacha na slippers…Na Nyahunyo…” Woooooiiii. Gai Fafa ! Pizzo,Please stay pregnant forever! Pleeeeaaseeee.

11. NANCY BARAZA. She of the “You should know People” fame. Nancy Baraza is a walking disaster. She is the former Chief Justice who was ignominiously bundled out of office after infamously pinching the poor nose of a poor female soldier at Village Market. Nancy is Da Bo$$. And No matter what You do,Never waste Da Boss’s time. She’s too busy for Your crap. Stay away from her…Before she beats You up like a Baby Class delinquent and hangs Your little sorry ass on a pole along Harambee Avenue.

So there You have it…..Whatever YOU DO,DO NOT mess with the above-named Women. DO NOT! These are people who can whip You so bad You will end up looking like an Ebola victim in the slums of Monrovia.

You are warned. Please stay warned. And have a safe day. And life.

Oh…..And incase of anything,Call this number….+456 789 7800 278667.

Chunga Maisha. Haha.