GHAFLA EXPLORES: 5 Types Of Women You Will Meet In Kenyan Churches

I’ve been watching that dope new Kenyan series called ‘Tuko Macho’ and I couldn’t help but rejoice when one crooked female pastor was served justice by a vigilante group. It feels like a perfect day to expand on this church issue. It has become clear that 95% of churches in Kenya are up to no good. Places that are supposed to be holy grounds set aside for the sole purpose of worshipping The Lord have now been turned into million shilling corporations and fornication centers.

70% of the loyal church-going populace consists of women. From these females, there are five distinct categories.

The pastor’s groupie

There’s the woman who treats the pastor like a god. She worships him even more than Jesus himself. She remembers every word the pastor said, how his lips moved, how his hands swayed and the kind of shoes he wore during the service. She smiles even when the man of the clock hasn’t said anything funny. When the praise and worship tunes get underway, she vigorously shakes her body the way my people do the mukangala dance. All this is done to draw the pastor’s attention. She’s also the kind of woman that would give the pastor the ‘P’ without thinking twice. Most of the time, such a woman ends up marrying a pastor

The religious freak

She has read the whole bible like a Sydney Sheldon novel. She has crammed each and every story like a standard 8 pupil going to sit for a C.R.E exam. Praying and fasting are her hobbies and she occasionally speaks in tongues. She strongly believes that the world is about to end and that she will go to heaven straight away. Ummm…….

The desperately single woman

There’s the woman in her late twenties or early thirties who hasn’t had any success in finding a husband. She has tried dating sites and social media hook ups but she has gotten nothing more than heartbreaks. She now goes to church frequently because apparently that’s where ‘good men’ are.

The woman looking for ‘blessings’ and ‘solutions’

Then there’s the woman who wants solutions to sickness, poverty and malperformance in various fields of life. It’s alright to seek solutions. The problem is that she seeks for solutions from fake pastors instead of seeking solutions from God. She easily falls for the lies. Her pantiés will drop and she’ll allow her breasts to be fondled if the pastor told her he would plant a miracle baby inside her.

The true believer

Lastly, there’s the woman who goes to church to pray and to worship The Lord – nothing else. She knows what she wants in life and works hard to achieve that. She respects God and understands that he only helps those who help themselves.