GHAFLA EXPLORES: How The Euro Game Between Germany And Italy Helped Me Get A Shag Date With One Of Kenya’s Hottest Female Celebrities

This past weekend, I managed to score a shag date with one of Kenya’s hottest female celebrities. As I am writing this story I am still excited yet I never get excited about dates. I am used to them, and so I treat them like any other activity like brushing my teeth or wearing socks. But this one is different. Let me lay it out to you how things unfolded

I spent Saturday afternoon playing FIFA 16 with my buddy Erico at my place. He is one of those guys that never stop talking but his stories are questionable. He claims he once banged Njoki Chege on the back seat of his Subaru then dumped her that’s why she’s always bitter, but no one believes him. The good thing about him is that he’s the best designated driver a friend can ever need. He drives as keenly as James May

So after an afternoon of Playstation madness we decided to hit one of the cool pubs along Thika Road to grab some nyama choma. This was my idea because my obsession with roasted meat has refused to subside.

At the pub, we were soon joined by my other friend Zack who made sure everything we had eaten was on his bill. After a few hours of chit-chatting we moved to a table closer to the TV screens since the quarter final game between Germany and Italy was about to start.

Moments later, some two chicks came and sat on the table just next to ours. Everyone turned their heads to look at the prettier girl. Upon closer scrutiny, I realized that she was one of the popular radio girls. She was wearing a white top and a red mini with heels. The thirst soon started building

A few minutes later, before their order had arrived, the radio chick and her bestie stood up and walked to our table.

“Mind if we sit with you guys?” she asked.”We can’t see the screen well from there”

‘Sure…no problem,” I answered.

As if the gods had planned all this to my favor, the radio girl sat next to me while her friend sat on the other side. Only a few minutes remained before kickoff and I knew I had to initiate a conversation early or else all her concentration would be gone.

I thought of bringing up a conversation about football but then I remembered something I read in a book by one of the Australia’s greatest seducers. He said ; ‘When trying to talk to a woman in a venue with a sports atmosphere, don’t talk about the game until she does so first. If you bring up a conversation about sports, she might think of you as a friend (something which you want to avoid) or worse, she might think you are trying to test her sports knowledge.’

That’s true. Female fans of soccer especially, put up with a lot of shit to watch the game they love, much of it from male fans. They are hit with accusations that they are only into it because their bae is or that they don’t really understand the intricacies of the game. They are catcalled, derided and quizzed as though they don’t belong there

To be safe I chose a different topic.

“I am fan of your show by the way” I told her, even though I never listen to it.

“Oh.,,,,Thank you”, she said, smiling.

“You are welcome. No other presenter in Kenya engages listeners as well as you do”, I added a compliment

She now blushed, trying to figure what to say, but before another word could come out of her cute lips, I hit her with another verbal projectile

“By the way, when I was studying in England two years ago, I had a neighbor who looked like you. Ama it was you na sikujua?” I asked with a perfect smile. (The smile is always important. It eradicates any traces of awkwardness)

“Haha…no. Imagine sijawai kua England. ………So you studied in England?” she inquired  

“Yes…I studied Literature at the University of Lancaster.” I affirmed with pride.

The thing is, I’ve never been to England. I made all that up

White lies are effective when trying to seduce girls of a higher status. Such chicks are prestige-oriented. They want men that are of equal or higher value than them. As long as you don’t overdo it and limit yourself to only one or a couple white lies per approach, you’ll find that it’s a necessary evil for making girls feel comfortable. Make your lies few and believable so that you won’t need to cover your tracks, construct alibis, or enlist the help of co-conspirators. Having an interesting life makes it easier for women to want to go out with you

I lied about studying literature abroad and that’s believable given the fact that I a m a writer. If you are going to lie, then lie about something that’s close to what you do. Don’t lie about being an investment banker yet you are computer hardware specialist. You’ll be caught

So the radio chick suddenly developed a keen interest in me. I kept talking to her and to avoid her digging into my non-existent literature course, I kept asking her about her life. Chicks like talking about their lives, especially successful chicks. And they also love guys that listen to what they have to say.

As the game continued, we kept talking and laughing and soon the chemistry had built to optimum levels. Luckily, Zack was doing a great job of keeping the other chick occupied. He was buying her drink after drink and entertaining her more than the game. Clearly he wanted to smash her hard. Thirst was written all over his face.

Soon, I was teasing the radio chick and touching her arms. She didn’t resist. It happened that we were both supporting Italy. I kept engaging her and demonstrating my value and she was loving it. When I put my arm across her shoulder, I left it there, feeling her warmth all through.

Escalating physically with a woman shows that you are not afraid of her. It communicates to her that you really want her. My demonstration of personal value was working,

The seduction game isn’t a miracle drug. It doesn’t create value where there is none—it merely brings out the value that you already have. You’ll still need to offer something in exchange for vaginal entry. While you don’t need to be well-traveled or have several cool hobbies, the more interesting you are, the easier it will be for you to get numbers, dates and get laid.

When the game reached penalties, we both held each other’s hands. When a player scored, we hugged and when a player missed me hugged too. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, Italy lost.

This was my chance to give her that long hug to console her. We stayed locked for like two minutes while Germany fans celebrated. When we let go of each other, we followed it up with that long deep stare into each other’s eyes. As fate would have it, we found ourselves kissing. It was a sweet long kiss that instantly made me erect

When I unlocked my lips from hers, her eyes scanned everyone In the pub. Maybe she was worried someone might be taking pictures. When she didn’t see anyone with a phone or camera raised so she relaxed. I really hope no one took pictures though. Haha. I am holding my breath, waiting to see if pictures of us kissing will pop up on some blog. But even if they do, I don’t care. She doesn’t seem to be the type to care though

“I like you, but I can’t have sex with you tonight. I am supposed to pick up a relative at JKIA at five in the morning.”

“When then?” I asked.

“Tuesday evening is fine with me, because I have tight schedules tomorrow and on Monday. Come to my place. I am always afraid of going to guys places,,,,lol.” she confirmed.

‘’No problem,” I said

So let’s wait for Tuesday and see how this one goes. If it all goes well, you can be sure that Etemesi’s Tales on Friday will be lit