Why you must NEVER take relationship advice from female Kenyan celebrities

If you are the type to keep up with celebrities, then you know this year has been a year chock full of celeb couples being tested and marriages being rocked by infidelity rumours along with other issues. The headlines have screamed about the Kabus, Mulamwah and Sonnie’s drama, Mungai Eve constantly emasculating her boyfriend and so on.

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As a result of all this celebrity turmoil, one of the things I have come to realise is just how many Kenyans are hung up on celeb relationships. We seem to hang on their every word and when they do something that jeopardises their relationships, they are in for a rough time from fans who are especially mesmerised by the illusion of love and monogamy.

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A result of this obsession is that when celebrities who have no business discussing or giving relationship advice do so, we cling to their every word as if it were divinely inspired yet it is either just a common sense statement or a statement that is so vapid it is astounding.

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Case in point would be the Kabus.  They are going to be the first Kenyan celebrity couple we dissect. For a long time, they were “couple goals”. And as a result of that, they would give unsolicited relationship advice with Sarah would always be found meddling in other celebs’ relationships, either dispensing advice or trying to protect them from justly deserved fan blow back. They were the uncle and aunty who most celebrities would run to for advice and a quick cuddle. Now we come to find out that they were merely putting up appearances. they aren’t who we thought them to be. Seems Simon Kabu is a man like all the rest of us and he wants to have his cake and eat it. He is rumoured to be happily married to his wife but has been having his needs service on the side. Check mate Sarah. Now give us practical advice from what you will do now. Will it be to accept polygamy or will you split your home and empire?

Power couple, Sarah and Simon Kabu

Then there is Mulamwah and his ex, Carol Sonnie. When they were a couple, they would flaunt the fact on their social media pages. Then a baby was born whose paternity is still a subject of heated debate to this day and they went their separate ways. Now Mulamwah is giving us juenile advice like “do not chase after a woman who like material things” and Carol Sonnie is subtle painting her ex as an abusive man by telling her followers to “leave their abusive relationships”. Both of these are low iQ takes on the matter that we teach even troglodytes.

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And how about Murugi Munyi (Yummy Mummy) and her husband? Well, she is always talking about how she yells at her husband and their marriage was rocked by infidelity allegations… Actually, hold on, it was reported that at one point they had completely separated, with her husband finding love and comfort in the arms of another man. They have since reunited and despite this, she still says and posts a lot of things that are disparaging to her husband. Surely, what sort of sane individual would look to this woman for marital advice? She is the same woman who underwent elective cosmetic surgery and when asked whether she had discussed and gotten permission from her husband, said it was her body. But had things gone wrong, that same man would have been shamed if he chose not to waste his life taking care of her.

And what about Amberay and her former paramour Jimal Roho Safi? These two clowns actually thought they had a lot to teach us from how they conducted themselves and paraded their love life despite the fact it was an illicit love and we all saw the foolishness in their actions long before that bus hit them. Can you imagine an illicit lover giving married people advice on how to keep their man? A woman who has engaged in physical fights with her lover’s wife telling us how to treat a husband? Or Jimal telling us about love and cherishing family?

Kenyan celebrities with the exception of perhaps Andrew Kibe and Amerix do not deserve to be given the time of day nor the effort it requires to listen to them. They are a vapid, self serving bunch whose only interaction with live is a misguided attempt at making infatuation last long enough to turn into marriage. We are bereft of stories such as Nameless and Wahus: a story of two flawed human being who have both strayed and struggled but ultimately chose to remain married and honour their vows.

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From the Kabus (Simon and Sarah) to Frankie Just Gym It and his two women (Maureen Waititu and Corazon Kwamboka) and Weezdom and his nonsense, Mulamwah the king of simps and Carol Sonnie, Daddy Owen’s marriage, KRG da Don and his wife Linah Wanjiru Kiruthi, one would be forgiven for thinking Kenyan celebs are incapable of actually conducting healthy relationships be they long term or actual marriages.

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And even in the instances where our celebrities date and marry foreigners as is the case with both Tanasha Donna (and Diamond) and Anerlisa Muigai (and Ben Pol), Kenyan celebs just can’t seem to get the formula right and it is abundantly clear this is a Kenyan issue.

Nicah the Queen with her ex

Whether the root of the problems experienced were infidelity, abandonment or a simple case of fools rushing in where even angels would fear to tread, these celebs are actually showing us what we all already knew about the current generation of Kenyans: we are a deeply damaged and rudderless society. Think about it and try to figure out for yourself why we have a precious few examples of healthy, functional relationships.

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Let’s actually discuss what the issues are and try to understand why Kenyan celebs suck so badly at having healthy relationships and which will explain to you further why the other day I argued against taking their relationship advice because let’s face it, you should only ever take advice from people you envy, not people whose life is in the latrine.

For starters, the fact that a lot of celebrities hide who they truly are is a huge reason why their relationships often fail. Instead of a man accepting and informing his partner that he wants to be polygamous, he hides that fact. Infact, some hide it from themselves and keep trying to go to church every Sunday to pray away the sin. But you can’t pray sin. And so when these men get into the position where they finally have options, they have already gotten into a relationship or marriage where the terms established were monogamous. So they are stuck sneaking around. That is what the likes of Frankie Just Gym It and the other cheaters get caught up in.

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Then there are celebrities like Mulamwah who completely failed to be the men they are supposed to be. They decided to simp and pedestalized their women. The problem with putting up your wife or girlfriend as a goddess is that the only thing she can do while on that perch is look down her nose at you. As a result, you end up with her losing her respect and admiration for you.

Ms Sarah Kabu

What about celebs like Daddy Owen? His is a more simple issue to deal with: he did not properly vet the woman he wound up married to. What do I mean by that? Well, for starters, she was a single mother. That in and of itself is a red flag unless her husband/ boyfriend before you had died. Beyond that, he should have taken as much time as possible getting to know her. Hell, given they wed while he was ontop of the world and his career was at it’s zentith, he should have put her through the ringer. Human beings are incapable of hiding who they are for very long. That is why when the tough times hit, she dumped him and moved right on into another man’s bed. If this man can teach you anything, a great deal of it is not to settle down with a pretty face devoid of loyalty. That and not simping and crying over a woman who is lying in another man’s bed.

Why you must NEVER take relationship advice from female Kenyan celebrities

Then you have your angry Kenyan women being thoroughly represented by female celebs. These are the ladies who give trash advice like Maureen Waititu who was using her sons as a weapon wielded against their father, Frankie. I mean, just because a man might not be a good husband, doesn’t mean he is a terrible father. The likes of Amber Ray who was briefly married to Jimal Roho Safi and that was a complete shit-show because the only thing she knows how to do is pose seductively on social media and sleep with a man. Once that is done, she has little else to offer.

And let’s not even get started on Yummy Mummy who was reported by Edgar Obare to have been in dire straits after her husband left her in search of peace and appreciation right into the arms of another woman. But he is a weak man who doesn’t stand on principle so he ran back home when he was emotionally blackmailed. But Murugi Munyi is always talking about how she tells off and yells at her husband and how he has no say in matters pertaining to her body… Constantly emasculating the simp to the rest of us to the point we cannot understand this particular relationship short of having our minds run into the BDSM category of the Hub.

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Others are dying just to live up to societal expectations of their marriages that they themselves put in place. This last group is the likes of Sarah Kabu. That is why when we see the cracks in their union, it is over something explosive and it always ends up feeling like it was bubbling under.

And who are these celebs to turn to for advice? At the end of the day we have to remember that they  are the pioneers of an entirely different level of celebrity that we Kenyans, hell, we Africans have never seen before. So who can tell them how to manoeuvre? But they do need to stay ten toes down: grounded. They need to start being real about what they want and their expectations of their partners and holding themselves accountable.


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