Matiangi Bans Schools From Adding Kerosene To Githeri

In what he is calling ‘a much-needed policy shift,’ Education Cabinet Secretary Fred Matiangi has banned secondary school administrations from adding kerosene to githeri. Coming as a shocker to many, the CS claimed that students are using dirty tricks they learn in chemistry classes to separate the kerosene from the githeri and using it to burn schools.

“At the end of the day, it would be the height of hypocrisy to charge and expel arsonist students from our schools but allow the tools they use to remain. It’ll be like chopping off the tail and leaving the head. Kerosene is oil and oil floats on top of water or soup. So it wouldn’t be hard for even the dunderhead student to perform the experiment and get a bottle of kerosene ” the CS clarified. “This was a very easy call for me.”

Ever since the white man brought formal education to Kenya, schools have been adding kerosene to githeri to reduce the desire to engage in adult activities. It has always been rumored that once consumed, the fuel reduces the urge to engage in mating.

“Afadhali kutamani kuliko kuchoma”, said Matiangi with a wry smile on his face.

As the widespread arson in Kenyan high schools continues to be a hot-buttorn issue, principals are wondering how this decision will help solve anything. Is this going to put the lid on what is now a pressure-cooker atmosphere? Many disagree and see the whole directive as foolish, absurd and ridiculous but Matiangi remains defiant

Saying it was ‘high time to take action against the number one cause of student unrest in Kenya’, the under-fire cabinet secretary further added “After a careful review of all the schools that have had fire incidents, we’ve determined that ‘mafuta ya taa’ might be behind all the mayhem and hence everyone will benefit significantly from a strictly enforced ‘no kerosene in githeri’ policy,”

Matiangi then made it known that any principals that ignore this directive could face a steep fine or even suspension. “The practice of feeding students fuel will no longer be tolerated.”

However, the proposal has sparked deep disappointment among students all over the country, many of whom had hoped he was planning to ban a sizable number of other things such as ‘morning preps’, and ‘difficult Maths exams’ instead of just kerosene.

In conversations with headboys and headgirls across the country, reactions ranged from disenchantment to a sharp sense of betrayal as students tried to make sense of the decision to only ban ‘mafuta ya taa’.

“I heard him on TV talking about banning kerosene and I was kind of like, ‘Oh my gosh, Is this dude serious? Is that it? ” said Njeri Kagwi, a headgirl in one of the national schools in Nairobi. “I mean, banning kerosene is a good start coz maboy watatukatia sana kwa funkies, but pia angeban flat shoes ndio tukue tunavaa heels. Pia makeup ikue allowed. Like seriously”

But Wekesa Wekesa, a prefect in Western Kenya, said that students who were upset with the cabinet secretary for banning members of only one thing were “freaking out over nothing.”Following a reaction of general ridicule, he defended Matiangi stating,

“Mi naonako kama hii tu ni first step tu. Tukienedelea kuchoma mashule si atapan kuwekewa uchii kikombe moja aseme kila mtu apewe vikombe mbili fya uchi. Si hiyo itakua sambamba?”

Ahaaa….

Are these manifestations just self-indulgences of affluent human detritus, or do they represent a wider trend of censorious authoritarianism in young people who will one day be ruling over our country? That is something that remains to be seen. One thing is certain, our country is indeed in trouble.

NOTE: This is a satirical piece mocking the current unrest in schools. It’s merely the creative imagination of the writer (Philip Etemesi) and not actual facts