And Now, The TOP TEN Kenyan Female Celebs Who Are POOR In Bed. Number 7 Ni Malenge Kabisa (Photos)
For every good thing, there’s a downside. Yesterday we saw which Kenyan Female Celebs kill it between them sheets. The list wasn’t very surprising, you already knew half on the people on it were good anyway. We just confirmed what you already knew.
And just like we did with the boys, we had to give you a list of the women who are POOR in bed. Women who, even though they may be beautiful and attractive, did not score very favorably when it came to the bedroom shenanigans.
And just like we did last time, we talked to a bunch of men these girls have dated. We also talked to people they know, talked to their fans and stalkers on social media, talked to average joes in the clubs and talked even amongst ourselves.
Another huge contributor to this whole conversation was the women themselves and the sort of life they lead, how they dress, kind of songs they sing, their overall art, their general public image and their general attractiveness.
And so, without further ado, here’s the celebrity girls that were voted overwhelmingly as being POOR in bed. And yes, we did our survey and it’s incredibly true.
1. Amani
She had to top the list. First and foremost, no one even remembers her anymore. Ok, very few people do. Amani has been around for a solid 10+ years. Singing about the same thing. In the same way. No one knows who Amani dates or has ever dated. No one even seems to want her…. Despite the fact that she’s gorgeously made. Amani polled poorly when it came to bedroom prowess. Her overall image and bland nature must have contributed to her weak between the sheets game. She even seems asexual to many. And has not once been linked to any man without contradiction. For all we know, this Ogopa Deejays Queen could be a virgin. Despite all of her 30+ years. Imagine Amani’s music. And how often she releases it. And then imagine that sort of dead energy in bed. Nothing to look forward to. Absolutely.
2. Lady Bee
This is the secular-turned-gospel artist who spent half her life singing backup in downtown nightclubs in Dubai. And then she came back to her motherland to try and be what she couldn’t be in Dubai. And years down the line,it’s yet to work out. Lady B is another one of these girls. She’s Kamba, I hear,but one of the few Wakamba solidly putting the tribe to shame as far as mchezo wa kitanda is concerned. Kambas are famously good in bed. But you cannot say that about this mama who releases one single per six years. She always looks bored. And that’s probably the same attitude she brings kwa kitanda. Plus years in Dubai can make you really numb to any form of excitement. Especially sex. It’s not just us speaking. Some guy who knows his way around this industry made it clear to us too ; there’s very little to expect from this mama. She should just sing. And stay bored. Never has one woman failed to live to the expectations of a tribe. As this one.
3. Habida
Don’t be fooled by that wholesome beauty. And sultry voice. Or even that hair. There isn’t much to look forward to here. Forget the little Roysambu Scandal that you all read about. Don’t let that fool ya. The Princess still has a long way to go… Before she can do splits in bed, give it to you just like you like it and leave you panting. Great body alright… But not so great an implementation of it.
4. Judy Anyango
For the record, this mama here is NOT a Celebrity. She’s only here because she has, for years now, really struggled to be regarded as one. And well, because we are nice people, who love people, we’ll pretend she even fits the bill. Away from that, huyu mmama hawezi kazi. Simple and clear. Not with all that fat and clumsiness. She cannot even pull off a sexy photo shoot. In all of her photos, most of which were taken by a backstreet amateurish photographer, she poses like she’s struggling with a fart. That’s probably how she looks in bed too. No wonder her ‘Socialite’ career failed to take off. You cannot pocket so much dollars from a Dubai sponsor and be so unbelievably poor in bed. Judy has alot of learning to do. And it’ll be long before she can blaze up the bedroom. Don’t be fooled by that clumsy ass. She doesn’t know how to work it. End of story.
5. Kingwa Kamenchu
She may talk about sex all day in her daily Facebook ramblings. She may be fixated on masturbation and may even have posed totally nude straddling a Maasai shuka. None of all that should fool you into thinking that this former Presidential Candidate and certified lunatic,is good in bed. Because she ain’t. And we know it. She’s Meru to start with. And the good AmerUcan people aren’t exactly famed for bedroom sports. Kingwa is all talk. But little show. And with a mind like hers, so clogged with so many shitty ideas, you wouldn’t expect fireworks in bed. Sex is all in the brain. And hers is currently dysfunctional. Nothing to see here. Madame Praaasssidente.
6. Marya
Another Ogopa Deejays Missus. Who is no longer a singer. This one dated that other jerk Colonel Mustafa for like a gazillion years. And then we don’t remember who dumped who. Before she was said to have moved into some old jamaa’s house to nurse her post-Mustafa blues. Too bad. She didn’t even nurse them enough. Because she went on an eating spree that made her balloon to the size of six Mustaphas. The point here is; just like her music career, sweetheart’s game ain’t shit. You can tell it by the way she moves. And by who she even is. Our correspondents agreed unanimously, girl can’t hack it. She’s usually too caught up thinking of too many useless things, among them why her music career is going nowhere, why she ever even dated Mustapha and what she’s gonna eat next to give you a good bedroom service. Her weight doesn’t help matters. She’s a gone case. Gone gone gone.
7. Njoki Chege
She’s the Mistress of Meaness. Always telling women what’s wrong with them and their lives and their husbands and their bodies. And always telling men what’s wrong with them and their bodies and their cars and their neighborhoods. No one tells her what is wrong with her. And unluckily for her, the results are in. And she ain’t no goddam shit in bed. She never was and probably never will be. Studies have actually shown that the bitchiest women are the worst in bed. They are know-it-alls and it’s either their way or the highway. They won’t suck d*ck and aren’t open to experimental bedroom techniques. Njoki won’t be going down on you boy. And no, she’s not very conversant with position 69. We talked to a former boyfriend who confirmed to us, ‘Girl is all talk and little action…’ and my brother, who are we to dispute that? Isn’t it almost evident? Now if I can go off and dust my Subaru.
8. Risper Faith
This is the ex-socialite who appeared in that risqué Blaqy video ‘Shake Your Money Maker’. And we all saw her… In all of her glory, cellulite and all, bulging tummy and all. The video was universally panned by people who hadn’t even watched it. Part of the reason was the plain fact that Bwana Blaqy couldn’t sing to save his life. Other reason, which was the major one actually, was the fact that little Miss Risper was a complete eyesore. Girl couldn’t even shake her goddam money maker. And when she did, it was a pure mess. That body should never be next to you in bed. I’ve never seen someone so clueless on how to be sexy. If you could fumble up so terribly in a song, I hate to imagine how pathetic you can further be when the cameras are not on. No. I don’t want to bang this one. It a NO for me. Thank you.
9. Joy Doreen Bira
Bro, let’s just be honest. Let’s just be real. End of story.
10. Angeline Wanjeri
Yes, I’m sure you all forgot she existed. Just like I did. Surprise!! She’s still very much around. And that annoying laughter too. With a mouth like that, a dress code that messed up and a character that hyped, things can only be a mess in them sheets. Sex takes skill. And absolute expertise. Not the kind of shabbiness that this Angeline girl approaches life with. She’s all cluttered and loud and jumpy and unhinged. No control, no rhythm, no plan. That’s exactly how clumsy this Mama is in bed too. And a couple people revealed to us, just like her TV hosting skills,Her game needs a lot of upgrading. If only she could calm down. For a minute or two. And let the fireworks blaze up. Too bad. It’s all a mess. Is she still on Kiss TV by the way? Who am I asking? Does anyone even watch Kiss TV anymore?
