CABU GAH DIARIES: Deadbeat Nyeri version. Conditions of a Deadbeat Nyeri woman. To her Baby Daddy.

Deadbeat has taken over Kenya. It is sending men scurrying under caves. And has sent shockwaves to the whole Kenyan male population.

 

Deadbeat is actually an advertisement for the use of condoms. Durex Kenya should be honest and tell us just how much their business has gone up after the launch of the Deadbeat Group. Now, Kenyan Men would rather catch Ebola. Than show up on the dreaded Deadbeat Facebook Timeline.

But in Nyeri, things are different. Its NOT the Men who are deadbeat. It is the Women.

Wanaume Nyeri ndio huwachwa na watoto. Na bibi anatoroka. As You saw the other day with the Nyeri Woman who covered up her son, put him in a box and delivered him to his Daddy’s workplace like an international parcel. Complete with an address and the guys phone number. Haha.

And Nyeri women ARE NOT AFRAID of ending up on the Deadbeat Group. Actually,they are quite Ok with that. But first,they have Conditions. And Rules.

Like these RULES made to a Baby Daddy by an irresponsible Baby Mama.

 

1. Kama unataka kuniweka kwa hio gikundi ya Dedibiti tafathari hakikisha utaweka picha ya maana. Sio kuweka picha zagu za kitabo nikiwa murevi. Ama zile selfie nirijipiga nikichota maji. Weka picha ya maana. Na ukiweza kuiEdit ni sawa. Lakini isikuwe Brack and White. Razima urebo yangu ionekane. Sitaki kuaibishwo kwa mtadao.

2. Naskia munaweka number za mutu kwa hio gikundi ya Dedebiti. Na ni sawa, Naba weka. Sina shida. Rakini uweke ya Safaricom incase kuna mutu atataka kutuma MPESA. By the way hata ya Airtel ni sawa. Mama Kamotho arifugua Airtel Money hapo Kiganjo.

3. Kama razima useme turikosania nini,tafathari usidaganyane. Ogea ukweri. Sio kwenda hapo kutunga hadithi za kurebesha story yako. Ati dio uhurumiwo. Sema vire kurieda. Na vire urikuwa unanichapa. Kwa sababu bado nakubuka. Usiniharibie jina kwa mtadao. Hii sio movie.

4. Mutoto ni wa miaka tatu. Na kama razima utaje miaka yake basi useme tatu. Sio kweda hapo kudaganya kirindi ati mutoto ni wa miaka saba ndio ati isemekane nimemtupa hio miaka yote. Ni miaka tatu pekee. Na hata wewe unajua sikuwa na Kazi. Na dada yangu Nyambura alikuwa amezaa pia. Ni mutoto wa mwezi mmoja tutachuga ama ni mutoto wa Miaka biri??

5. Musidaganywe na huyo admin wa Dedibit. Ni jamaa najua sana. Hata mahari anakunywaga tumekunywa sana nayeye. Nikikuabia ware watoto amejaza Karatina utajitia kitanzi. Nyinyi edereeni kuchochwa hapo mujiabishe. Aguruki aya.

6.Kama ni stori yangu na irresponsibility ustick kwa hio story. Sio kupereka story za watu wetu huko. Ati kusema Kange’the anashidaga kwa chang’aa. Ama kusema ati nakaaga kwa mama yangu. Unataka nikae kwa Mama yako?? Mutu akae kule anataka. Bora asinyeshewe na mvua. Na usiede hapo ati kusema naobaga obaga watu pesa. Unataka niobe wanyama??

7.Tafadhari usinitukane kwa hio gurup. Ati unite sijui Bastard sijui anga sijui nini. Matusi wachia warevi. Refer to me na heshima. Mimi ni mama ya mutoto yako. Sio mutoto yako. Badara ya matusi kuja kwa Kamau tupabane kama Wanaume. Nύύ ύyu??

8. Abia Maina Kageni kama ata-discuss iyo story yagu kwa show yake ya Krassik asisahau ku-big up wamama wangu wa Chama. Kama atanitaja tafathari pia ataje Njeri wa Sonic, Kagendo wa PCEA, Wangari wa Bar, Wambui kadogo na Shiku wa salon. Na wakubushwe mimi dio nakura chama this month.

9. Haaaya unaweza post sasa. Na usisahau kuni-tag kwa hio update. Ah,hata sikuwagi Facebook. Tag Carol wa Boutique. Nitapitia hapo kwake jioni kusoma comments. Na tafadhari abia ware wata-comment wa-comment na kiswairi. Na waweke tu-comment tufupi tufupi…sio kureta setbook hapo. Nataka kusoma haraka haraka nitoe Githeri kwa jiko. Oh,an pia ware watu wata-LIKE ,tafadhari waabie wa-LIKE na Kiswairi pia.

Mimi wako mpotevu,

Mama Bradon (Na bona turiita Mutoto Bradon?? Hio ni jina ama ni Sabuni??! Nkt!)