CABU GAH DIARIES: This is the whole GHAFLA KENYA line-up. Meet the Writers…And OUR BOSS. (PART ONE)

Ghafla is BIG. Bigger than a Migori Apology delegation. Bigger than the population of Witchdoctors in Kilifi. Bigger than Adan Duale’s temper. Ghafla is BIG!

I joined Ghafla Kenya early this month…But I was too late! Man,these people have wayyyy tooo much fun! Like,serious FUN! Its all fun and games up in this office. Until You get a lawsuit. From Willy Paul.

For starters,We are located at VETERAN HOUSE,Opposite Sonford Restaurant. Sonford is the Oldest fast food joint in town…selling fries since 1950. When Jeevanjee Gardens was still shamba ya maharagwe.

VETERAN HOUSE,Floor Number 8. Yes,the LAST floor. Going up ALL those floors can be taxing. Even if You are using the elevator. Na wakati hakuna stima,You will have to contend with going up sooo many damn floors…By the time You sneak around the 6th floor,You are soo tired You dont even remember where You were even going.

There is a club at the 4th Floor….Playing music so scintillating You wish to quit blogging and be a daytime dancer. Music so enthralling You wonder why Your mother didn’t enroll you in a Club-Management College.

Sawa Sawa,Pretend You are in the Office already. And allow Me to introduce You to all these crazy nutcases who make this CITY GO ROUND.

Firstly,Our office doesn’t have any particular order…..Its a mini-hall of sorts…With a large table at the center…And improvised desks all around the walls….And then a million laptops..powered with a WIFI stronger than a shoe-throwing Migori ODM activist.

There are just 3 ladies here. JUST THREE. Good Lord,Why do bad things happen to good people??? And then a billion men…Noisy Men, cantankerous Men, loud men, opinionated men, smart men, hilarious men, laid-back men and party-loving Men. I am one of them. And I have slipped into my role quite perfectly.

I sit at the corner of the large table at the middle…And I show up 46 Hours LATE. DAILY. Kuishi Ndakaini si mchezo. I have to NOT only deal with crazy traffic everyday while coming to work, but also with wild-animals and implausible Katitu-loving Githurai 45 protesters who block whole swaths of Thika SuperHighway. And turn it into a High school summer camp. DAILY. Phew!

Off to the Introductions…Oh God…

To start us off is the Beautiful, Lovely and exceptionally-gifted Queen of Ghafla Sue Watiri. Sue is 24 Years Old. Perfect age to get married…Sue arrives in the office LATE. ALWAYS. I guess she lives in Kwa-Matheri,on Your way to Ndunduri. Sue can write,Lord, she can. And her sense of fashion?? Unsurpassed. She shows up dressed in stuff I only see at a Milan Fashion Show…the other day she showed up covered in feathers…And a broom on her head! Our version of Lady Gaga. I wont be surprised if she showed up on Monday covered in a Cow’s blood! Love this girl! Sue lives along Thika Road…that includes anywhere. Her favorite hobbies include sleeping and collecting art.Yes,she’s THAT RICH! You cannot collect art if You make 34 shillings per month. Pole sana. Uliza Jay Z. Her favorite singer/s include Sam Smith. And Imagine Dragons…I dont even know who the bondocks is that! Sue’s favorite food is Ugali Madondo. Oops, Ugali Matumbo…Not better either…Haha. And, finally, Sue is SINGLE. As single as Esther Arunga after Mr. Quincy Mwendawazimu goes to jail. To serve a 200-Year sentence. Sue has a MAJOR crush on Kagwe Mungai. And she is a WRITER at Ghafla.

 

Our second guy is Martin Oduor. Calm,laid-back,industrious and genial are the few adjectives I can use on Marto. Or Oduori. Marto is #teamdarkskin. Sidika’s NUMBER ONE enemy. And he shows up in the office earlier than the early bird. By 6.30am, Marto is in the office. Infact by the time he walks in,the office cockroaches have not even finished making out. He stumbles into the office kwa giza…Puts on the lights and starts punching his keyboard harder than Quincy Timberlake cooking up a story to avoid prison. Marto loves watching Football and Movies. And he lives in Eastlands…Mtaa wa Ngeta. His favorite food is Ugali Samaki,Am I surprised?? NO. Oh,and he also loves traveling..And has a MAJOR crush on Alice Odera,former Citizen TV News Anchor! Man,this guy is tribal mapaka kwa crush buana! Martin is a WRITER at Ghafla. And he is a huuuuge fan of Eminem…Pole sana Onyi Papa Jey,Oduor’s tribalism doesn’t extend to music.

 

 

Third Guy is Tonny Ndung’u. Loudest kid in the office. He is sooo loud You can hear him announce his arrival from as far as Ngara. Or Railways. Tonny is fun, spontaneous, dedicated, devoted, crazy and zealous. And he drinks like a tuk-tuk in Lamu. Tonny laughs alot too. Laughs so hard he scares You. Tonny is FUN. Like, seriously FUN. His hobbies include reading novels and listening to Music…Rock Music,to be precise…Like a 16-Year old teenage girl in Kileleshwa. He also says he LOVES Women. Who doesn’t?? Tonny lives along Thika Road. And Policeman Katitu has saved Tonny’s life a thousand times. FREE KATITU! FREE KATITU! Tonny loves Pilau na Kuku. And is SINGLE…No wonder,Haha. Tonny has a MAJOR CRUSH on Victoria Rubadiri…Gai Fafa….and Tonny is a photojournalist at Ghafla. Oh and Tonny EATS ALOT. He is always constantly eating…He has already started chewing up the corners of his laptop…

 

Fourth guy is Edward Chweya. Eddie just joined Ghafla sixteen minutes ago. Hata hajui choo ziko wapi. But he knows where to buy the cheapest Kuku chipo around. Eddie is a 25-Year Old who loves playing foota. And watching it too. Eddie lives in Kasarani and love Ugali and Chicken! Aiiii,EVERYONE LOVES UGALI here! Aaaaaarggh! Eddie’s fave musician is Marvin Gaye. And Eddie is single. Very single and contented. Mambo ya Mapenzi Ediie apan taka! Eddie is a WRITER at Ghafla.

 

Fifth guy is Michael Mutuma. Has a deep voice. Deeper than Adan Duale’s troubles. He growls and roars allover the office like an friendzoned Lion. Mutuma is loud too. And opinionated as hell. He has more opinions than Matsanga and Tony Gachoka combined. He talks his mind out so oftenly…His mind is about to fall out. Mutuma is 23 Years Old…And has the attitude of a 45 Year old. Mutuma lives in Komarock. His favorite food is Chicken…Everyone at Ghafla LOVES chicken! Hii ndio shida ya kufungua Ofisi karibu na Sonford. His favorite Musician is Kanye Best,er,West. Mutuma has a MAJOR crush on Julie Gichuru….Whaaaaat!!???! And his fave hobbies include Basketball and cycling…to where??? Mutuma is a WRITER at Ghafla…Handling our sister blog,Duwaa.

 

Sixth Guy is Joseph Muriithi. But he loves to call himself Moore. Hehe…ati Moore..Moore kitu gani,Moore was a French medieval Catholic saint. And Muriithi means farmer in Tharaka-Nithi. Jivunie utamaduni wako Bratha. Haha. Moore loves listening to music and watching football. But He wont tell us his age…Moore is laid-back, chilled out but can also be very hilarious and show-stopping. Moore lives in Harambee Estate…where Freedom rings true to the skies. Moore loves chicken, CHICKEN AGAIN!!! And Ugali. His favorite Musician is Vybz Kartel…Show Me Your favorite musician and I will tell You what kind of person You are..Haha. Moore is single. But acts like he’s taken. No wonder. Moore is a Videographer at Ghafla. Oh and Moore has a MAJOR CRUSH on Xtatic…the Kenyan rapper who lives in South Africa. And raps for Nigerians and dresses like a Zimbabwean and talks like an American McDonalds employee.

Seventh Guy is Asher Omondi. Asher is THE MOST unflappable, noiseless, demure and harmless human being alive! Cooler than Maji Ya Mtungi in Kongowea Market. But on Whatsaap HE CAN BE REAL LOUD. And clamorous. He wakes up at 4am in the Morning kuwasha stima za Whatsaap. Na kufungua dirisha. Asher loves listening to Music,reading gossip blogs and watching telly. He lives in Pangani. And his favorite food is Ugali, UGALI AGAIN!!!! And fish. Asher’s fave musicians are Chameleone and Diamond. See? I told You…He is so calm he couldn’t even travel further than East Africa to find his true Musical Ninjas. Asher’s profession is an MCK- accredited journalist. And, Yes, Asher is SINGLE! Am I surprised?? Again,NO! Asher is Ghafla’s Social Media Manager.

 

Last Guy for Part One Is Your Boy CABU GAH. Tha King of Kings…And,ummm,How do I say this humbly,ummm El Presidente of His Super-ferocious Facebook Army! Called CABURIANS. After Himself! Can You imagine that! Just like Justin Beiber with Beleibers, Nicki Minaj with Barbz, Lady Gaga with Little Monsters, He is the ONLY Kenyan,ummm, Celebrity(oops) with a fanbase named after Himself! CABURIANS,Yeeeeeayyy! Ok, Ok…Cabu Gah is LOUD. Like,VERY loud. He is noisy as hell,very opinionated,conversant,witty,creative,goofy,epigrammatic and has the COMMAND of THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH. PLO Lumumba,step aside! Your time,just like Your stint at Integrity House,is UP! Cabu Gah is a blogger by default…And does MANY other super-awesome things on the side. He is Your favorite Writer’s Favorite Writer! He can outwrite-and ouwit-Philip Ochieng and Macharia Gaitho at a snap…And is busy trying to fill the shoes filled by Whispers Wahome Mutahi.  Cabu Gah is a double nominee for the SOMA AWARD MOST INFLUENTIAL FACEBOOK Personality. And a winner for Xtreem Awards Most Influential Blogger. Cabu Gah loves eating. Anything. Bora kimeiva. His fave Musicians are wayyyy too may to name. Wayyy tooo many. But He Believes Bob Marley is THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING who ever sang. Or Lived. Cabu Gah has NO hobbies. Because He is a hobby himself! His Biggest crushes include Joyce Omondi,Sheila Kwamboka and….ummm…Ariana Grande. And where does Cabu Gah live?? Oh come on,In the hearts and minds and souls of his Millions of ardent fans! That’s where King Cabu Gah,The Great lives. FOREVER. Cabu Gah is a writer at Ghafla. And columnist. And commentarist…Is there even such a word???

 

PART TWO of Ghafla Kenya Line-Up coming up…

Toot-toot…..