CABU GAH DIARIES: Where is Vera Sidika??! She Has Strangely Gone Missing. Have You Guys Noticed?

The Queen of Bum-Bum is Missing. Atleast on Social Media. There are Many places she could be….I explore.

 

When You are Vera Sidika,You MUST constantly keep posting Your life on Social Media. Telling us where You are or Not. Whether we care or Not. You must keep Your followers updated on who You are seeing next, what beach You desecrated last and which swanky hotel You woke up in.

But lately, The Godmother of Semi-Nudity has eerily gone missing. She, the Almighty Princess of the shock-jock Kingdom, has NOT said a word. Or posted a picture. Or bragged. Or updated us on which part of her body she is re-creating next.

And,therefore, we are intrigued…..And are wondering …Where is Miss Vee S Beiby?? She could be in many places…

 

. SHE COULD BE IN JAIL. To maintain the kind of life that Mama Vera lives, to be able to pull off those endless Million-Dollar skin procedures, to be able to afford coffee at Villa Kempinski Hotel, Like Vera does,You MUST have MONEY. And we all know Vera has NO money. Because she dropped out of K.U. Na mtu akiwacha shule,hapatangi kazi. Na mtu akikosa kazi hapatangi pesa. So why does Vera get all these Dollars?? To live such a luxurious life?? By robbing banks and storming people’s homes. So, probability Number One,Vera Sidika is at Lang’ata Prison. Eating uji. Na cabbage nyeupe.

. SHE IS IN INDIA. FOR A SURGEY. Vera could be in India. Or Brazil. Or Colombia. Or Guatamela. Having her nose shaped…Or her hands twisted..Or her squembez reduced…Or her brain enlarged…Or her spirit exchanged…Or her nails elongated…Or her eyes tattooed…Or her voice added…Or her intestines removed…Or her past deleted…Or her smile enlarged…Or…..so many Ors…

.SHE IS A MOTHER. Vera has given birth. And new mothers NEED some months off,Right?? Right. So,Now, the probability is that Vera has just recently checked herself out of Mater Hospital a week ago. Or two. And she is now home . Nursing her multi-coloured twins. A boy and a girl. Named Matendechero and Naliaka. Vera could be breastfeeding…And she probably is too busy hosting Wamama wa Kijiji at her Rural home in Kasipul Kabondo. Wacha watoto wazeeke. Atarudi kwa mtandao.

. SHE WAS A GHOST. There was NOBODY like Vera Sidika at all! NO NEVER! She NEVER existed! Everything You saw,Heard and Followed on Social Media was all the work of a very talented witchdoctor in Kilifi. Vera NEVER existed at all! We were all taken for a ride. By the Devil and his mirraa-chewing Kondakta. Vera was a theory. We were punk’d. Satan is now laughing. His Ghost trick worked. (Insert Evil Laughter)

.THERE IS NO INTERNET IN K.U. One of the last Social Media posts Vera made announced to Us her intention to return to K.U to finish whatever it is she had started. We hope she went back to K.U. And since K.U has been famous for hosting bedbugs in the past,these bedbugs must have chewed up the Cyber-lines at the K.U Cybers. And now Vera Sidika CANNOT access Internet in K.U. To post photos of herself sleeping next to a bedbug. Or eating one.

.SHE HAS BEEN SECRETLY APPOINTED AN AMBASSADOR. Uhuru Kenyatta is the Master of Surprises. One minute he shows up at a Camp Mulla album launch, the next minute he is laughing with Jaguar kwa shamba ya State House. With a President so unpredictable, Who knows, Vera is NOW an ambassador. Appointed by the President to mis/represent Kenya in Togo. Or Egypt. Or Lesotho. And now Vera has already left the Country and settled into her new role as the Boobilicious High Commissioner to Jamaica. Twerking to Konshen’s jams all day in the office.

. SHE FORGOT HER PASSWORDS. If You are Vera Sidika, You are forced to remember A LOT of things. And I mean,ALOT. Now maybe, just maybe, Vera has sooo much stuff to think and remember that she has totally forgotten some. As Vera, You must remember the Doctor’s advice, Remember when to swallow specific pills, Remember to respond to Your haters, Remember which body part to change next, Remember to twerk, Remember what to lie to people next, Remember the difference between Dollars and Shillings…Remember Remember Remember…And in the process, you may FORGET simple things. Like passwords. And now she cant post on the internet.

.SHE WAS CURSED BY GOD. Remember Nebuchadnezzar?? The King who God cursed for being proud and…err….dumb?? GOOD. Now, Vera is the Female version of Nebuchadnezzar. Lets call her Nebuchadvera. Now,God must have been sooo angry at Nebuchadvera for being a liar, for mocking his beautiful work of creation, for re-painting herself and for breaking almost all the commandments that He decided,”ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” Now,just like Nebuchadnezzar,Our own Nebuchadvera has been cursed too…And is busy eating grass on Your way to Limuru. Infact,she has already given birth to a calf. And repenting everyday.

Hmmm those are the REASONS why I think Vera Sidika has disappeared from the limelight..

I could be wrong….But then again…..