EXPOSED! Here Are Crazy New Year Resolutions From 10 Top Kenyan Celebs That They Never Wanted You To Know About. Number 8 Is Shocking!
New Year Resolutions are a global phenomenon whereby human beings make realistic-and sometimes far-fetched-resolutions regarding their life and what they wish to achieve,change or introduce to themselves in the New Year.
Many resolutions range from going to the gym to cutting down on alcohol,quitting smoking,starting to go to Church,partying less,working harder and generally being a ‘Better person’.
Most people usually feel like the start of a New Year gives them a chance to reinvent themselves,better themselves,look into themselves and overhaul themselves . And really,it’s sort of true.
New Year Resolutions are the most easy to break promises to self,however. 90% of humans stumble and dishonor their New Year Resolutions barely 20 days after the Year has started. Nothing is harder to keep and follow through like the good old New Year Resolution.
And just like we regular folks,who don’t boast a huge following or have a huge fan base for whatever is it we do,even Celebrities do have New Year Resolutions too… Their life may appear perfect from the outlook but,just like us,they’re struggling with their own little battles-Battles they wish they’d won,battles they’re struggling to win and battles they wish to overcome.
And now,it’s been finally REVEALED by Ghafla Kenya!, some of the New Year Resolutions that a section of our beloved entertainers have made for 2016. Some of them are absurd,others crazy,others improbable and others downright ludicrous.
Here… Come with me and let’s explore.
1. Colonel Mustafa- Find A Day Job
This is the Ogopa Deejays ex-rapper who started his career in the mid 80’s. Way before LL Cool J,Rakim and Puff Daddy even launched theirs. After a brief stint at Ogopa,where he recorded numerous hits with his fellow refugee boy Nasty Thomas,the group going by the name Deux Vultures broke up. Nasty moved on to Dubai to sell cupcakes and Mustafa was left here to fight with Nyota Ndogo among other things. Mustafa’s career,however,died along with KANU and he’s been endlessly struggling to remain afloat and hold on to his past glory for like a decade now. But it’s all been in vain. His new music is stuff you play at Prisons to annoy the convicts. And the last time he had a show,Huddah was still very new to blow jobs. And now,given that his Music career has been declared DEAD and BURIED,Colonel Mustafa has now decided to get a day job in 2016. We’re not sure what job he’s considering but we’re told he hasn’t ruled out working at Nakumatt as a cashier or even signing up as a driver for a leading pharmaceutical company. Either way,good luck Mustafa. You really need the job. I mean, You can’t rely on Monalisa’s proceeds for twenty years.
2. Nonini – Cut Weight
OK,I’m sure you all saw this one coming. Way before he gained massive fame and notoriety, Nonini was still a skinny boy still trying to find his voice in a bedroom studio in California Estate,Eastlands. And then he blew up. And along the way,even his body blew up. Today, Nonini is the size of a small water tank. He looks like he swallowed his producer and 3 more fans. And in 2016,Mzee Nonini has decided to go back to looking like a human being. Not like am endangered hippo. Nonini has signed up with Comfy Life Gym and Spa in Westlands in a bid to look not just normal but go healthy too. No more bulging tummies for Nonini in 2016. In 2016,the only thing shaking vigorously while Nonini is on stage will be his Bling Bling and not his belly anymore. Good luck,Nakitare. You need it.
3. Vera Sidika – Get A Baby
She may act like she doesn’t care but you won’t believe the plans Miss Vee has for 2016. Vera has decided to get pregnant! And yes,she is serious about it. After all the implants, skin alterations,surgeries,boob jobs and liposuctions,Miss Vee is finally craving for one more thing – a baby. Vera,who deeply admires Kim Kardashian to a point of almost worshiping her, feels like a baby with boost her socialite profile and make her much more appealing to mothers and people who like babies. ‘Vera is serious about getting a baby…’ the source told us. ‘She is enamored by the likes of Kim Kardashian and Zari Hassan and feels like these Socialites got more fame and fortune after getting babies’. ‘The old Vera, ‘the source continues,’ used to think babies were too much work and that babies would hurt her chances of being a superstar… But not anymore. ‘ We’re told that Vera is crazy about North West and Princess Tiffah,Zari’s baby. And now she wants her own. We are not sure who the Baby Daddy will be but you can bet he must be worth a million dollars and not less than 60 years old. I mean,Vera likes them rich and dying. Can’t wait to finally see Little Sidika. Oh,what a messed up kid will that one be.
4. Willy Paul – Ditch Gospel
After many years to pretending to love the Lord,popular Dancehall artist Willy Paul,he of the controversies fame,has finally decided to say ‘adios’ to the Industry that first welcomed him to the World. Willy gave up on Gospel music 5 years ago and he’s been struggling to remain in it just to please the masses and not to attract a backlash. ‘Willy Paul is done with the gospel industry… He said goodbye to it long time ago..’ a source tells us. ‘He feels trapped in the Industry and feels like he’s obliged to remain in it just to keep his old fans and for fear of antagonizing Kenyans… But deep down his heart,Willy Paul is as secular as is Octopizzo.’ We are told that, in 2016,Willy Paul had decided to stop living a lie and,just like Bruce Jenner,come out as a Secular artist and save everyone the speculation. ‘He’s made up his mind… There’s no turning back. He loves God but feels like he’s excel more as a Dancehall superstar not some Church singer.’ Well,karibu kwa Dunia Willy Paul. Start with a sex tape maybe. It’d be fun to watch. Oh, and after you’re done with that ka-Ethiopian chick,mind passing her over? Secular style? Haha.
5. Larry Madowo – Embrace Humility
This is Larry’s year of finally discovering that the World does not rotate around his rotatable head and simply sit back and accept that he’s not the reason we all wake up on the morning. Larry has,for years now,lived in an imaginary bubble that tells him that Kenya exists around him and that’s he’s Kenya’s equivalent of Aretha Franklin. Larry believes he’s the heart and soul of Kenya’s media as a whole and has lived such a huge lie for so many years that he’s finally decided to wake up and realize that he’s just another TV guy that can be sacked or replaced or moved to Middle Eats anytime and life will go on as normal. Thus,2016 is Larry’s great year of humility. We’re told he’s even hired expert ‘Humilants’ – don’t ask me who those are-to help him reach out to his inner humility and just accept that the Sun does not set in his armpits. It’ll be a tough thing to do,we are told. But Larry has no choice. Even Adele,the Conqueror of the World,has a little modesty.
6. Victoria Kimani – Come Back Home
Miss Kimani is that little Kenyan girl who,after being signed a leading Naija Record Label,left the Country all together and settled in Lagos, sleeping in the studio’s servant quarters. But after two years of unsuccessfully trying to be Nigerian-sing,act,talk,dress and think like a Nigerian,Miss Kimani is finally ready to leave that noisy Capital and crawl back to Nairobi where it’s less crowded,less dirty,less criminal and a lot less loud. Nairobi also,is the place where she can actually get recognized-and appreciated. ‘Victoria’s stay in Nigeria has not been easy… She thought she’d easily push away all Nigerian singers and emerge at the top. And then she realized that Nigeria is not some local pub in Juja where it’s easy to outshine the loudest drunkard…’ a source told us. We are told that Miss Kimani was met with real talent and a very stiff and brutal entertainment industry that was harder to crack than a ngandamia. She also quickly realized that everyone in Nigeria can sing-actually sings. Including the guy assigned to clean her room and carry her bags around. And after much frustration,Miss Kimani is settling back into the country in 2016. We are also told she’s going to be doing more local music and to start us off,she has a collabo with Kenrazy lined up. It can’t get more local than that.
7. Lupita Nyong’o – Get a Boob Job
Lupita’s run in Tinsel Town,otherwise known as Hollywood,has been the most inspirational African story of the last decade. She blasted her way into the limelight in a way few had before,sweeping awards left right and centre and gracing pretty much all magazine coves there were to grace-maybe not Playboy yet. But one thing has been putting Miss Nyong’o down – her boobies-or lack thereof. And in 2016,Madam Hollywood has decided to bow to pressure and do what 98% of all females in Hollywood have done-get a little job done on her little chest. Nyong’o has been trying to act all natural and contented but sources told us that pressure from the dirty corridors of Hollywood has been so intense that she has to have her titties checked. However, she won’t be going the Kylie Jenner /Nicki Minaj route. Hers will be bigger, rounder and better but not ludicrously exaggerated and bouncy. If you thought Lupita was sexy before……
8. Dennis Itumbi – Propose To Jacque Maribe
Aaaaand finally,2016 is the wonderful year when State House mandarin Dennis Itumbi gets to not only go public about his very secret but obvious romance with Jacque Maribe but also propose to her in a lavish private ceremony at the State House gardens. ‘Itumbi has been seeing Jacque for years now… But he’s been hiding it from the public to shield the relationship from scrutiny and blog gossips’ a source very close to Mr. Itumbi told us. ‘But he’s tired of hiding his love and he’s now ready to make 2016 the Year he announces that he’s not just been in love with Jacque for years but also that he wants to marry her.’ Wow! Brilliant news! State House meets Royal Media. We can’t wait for the wedding now,can we? And are CORD guys invited? Hmmm
9. Anto Neo Soul – Undergo Transgender Surgery
One of the most gifted Kenyan singers and not-so-gifted radio hosts has finally decided to undergo a major gender realignment surgery to finally be a woman after many years of struggling to talk, sing, dress and act like one. Sources told us that Anto has even chosen his female name which shall be something like Auntie Nina Soul. He is said to not want to deviate too much from his original stage name so as not to lose his identity along the way. We’re told that Anto has already booked an appointment with leading cosmetic surgeon in Los Angeles, Dr. Marion. B. Washington who runs the celebrity Heaven’s Touch Clinic in Beverly Hills. Way to go, Auntie Nina Soul. Show ’em what you gat,sister!
10. Noti Flow- Enter the Porn Industry
First and foremost,the only people who know Noti Flow are the only people who know Noti Flow. Well, for the unacquainted,Noti Flow is supposed to be a female Kenyan rapper. ‘Supposed to be’. However,that’s not the case.. Half of her time is spent on Instagram and Photo booths, not in a recording studio. She releases more semi-nude,buttocks-flashing,boob-showing photos more often than she drops a new song. Her whole life is like a Phonographic Reality Show. And because her rap career has totally REFUSED to take off, Noti has decided to switch carrers in 2016. Miss Noti’s number one resolution is to embrace her phonographic roots and stop pretending she’ll ever make it in music. Ever. ‘Given the huge success of her online notoriety, and the staggering amount of LIKES her Instagram nudity garners,Noti Flow has decided to follow through her dreams and sign up for a full-length porn movie’, a source revealed to us. Noti,we are told,will be finally entering the blue movie industry in March 2016 with a much-anticipated flick set to drop around the same time. Her porno name is Sleazy Slickz. Whoa! Nothing about this girl is ever mediocre. Noti,we cunt wait. We cunt.
DISCLAIMER :
This article was entirely written for entertainment purposes ONLY. Nothing written here is necessarily factual; this is merely a creative piece and it should not be taken as Gospel Truth. But we maintain,if the mentioned celebs even had a New Year resolution in the first place,we believe-and hope-it would look like something like this. Haha.
