REVEALED! Here Are The 7 Reasons Why Uhuru Kenyatta Is Refusing To Come Back To Nairobi…And Is Planning To Stay In Mombasa Even More. Wow!

Uhuru Kenyatta has been holed up at the Coast for over two weeks now and counting. He landed there some 17 or so days ago for what was supposed to be a working engagement that has seen him dish out thousands of title deeds across Lamu to the perennial squatters in a bid to address the thorny land issue that has dogged the Coast for decades.

His visit there hasn’t all been rosy ; couple days ago,we witnessed the ugliness of politics rear it’s equally ugly head after Nairobi Senator and avowed Jubilee altar boy Mike Sonko traded heated barbs with the ebullient Mombasa Governor Hassan John who also had a little wacko moment of his own lamenting to the President over being sidelined throughout the initial stages of the historic visit.

Everyone seems to want a piece of the pie… From the squalid squatters scattered across the grabbed farms to the affluent honchos running the town and deciding it’s future.

What’s outstanding however,is that,days after the climactic closure of the Holiday Season and the inauguration of the arduous season of January activities,President Uhuru Kenyatta is somehow refusing to jet back into the City and seems to have pitched permanent tent at the Coastal city and there’s clearly no plans for him to come back anytime soon.

Media People have been wondering why the President has found such comfort at the Coast and yesterday,in a little interview snippet aired on Citizen TV,the question that Jacque Maribe seemed to be obsessed with was ; What are you still doing here? In Mombasa?

No one seems to understand Uhuru’s sudden romance with the Coastal City. And boy,does he seem to be enjoying himself. And having a ball while at it.

Uhuru Kenyatta and Hassan Joho in Mombasa.

It looks like he’s waved a final goodbye to this rowdy Nairobi city… So,here are 7 MAJOR reasons why H.E Uhuru Kenyatta Is Refusing To Come Back To The Capital City…

1. Politics 
Anyone who understands anything about politics knows damn well what season is this – it’s politics season. Next year we’re back to the voting season,back to the ballot box and if I know that,then the President does know that too. Much better than I do. The Coastal Region is notoriously CORD affiliated and therefore,Uhuru must be trying to find ways to appease these hardliners and win them over in preparation for the dust-up that is sure to go down next year. By pitching eternal camp at the Coast,Uhuru is trying to befriend this region and sell himself over to them by sticking around longer,meeting them more,mingling with them and enjoying their hospitality for all its worth. Wonder why they don’t say politics is a friendly game. It sure does look like one here.

2. Coastal Vibes – Mombasa Raha
They say once you go black,you never go back. Ask Kim Kardashian. And here,we say,once you go Coastal,you never wanna come back. Mombasa is notorious for ensnaring her visitors and baiting them so hard they never wanna leave. Maybe it’s the beaches,the cool vibes,the calmness,the lack of rowdiness,the breeze… Mombasa is a dangerously addictive. Uhuru Kenyatta must be finding the city incredibly hard to part with. The calming vibes must have hooked him by now and there’s no way he’s going to be in a hurry to desert all that gloriousness that fast. It’s Mombasa we are talking about here. And anyone living in Nairobi will tell you what a hell hole Nairobi is on January. You wouldn’t wanna come back either. He’s too taken…

3. Work 
This one is obvious though… He’s working. I mean,we’ve seen him on TV almost everyday doling out some certificates and title deeds and stuff. And in a average day,he’s dishing out as many as 2,000 papers. Man! That’s a whole lot of papers. And way too much work! But lets face it,this whole repatriation thing is now getting boring and all we hear in those news broadcasts is ‘Waitiki This,Waitiki That’… Anyway,Prezzo is at work. And he’s not done yet. Boss,there are like 10,000 other certs and deeds to be given out. By him. Too much work.

4. Like Father,Like Son
It’s said-and has been proved-that the elder Kenyatta (Mzee Jomo) used to be a Mombasa adherent. Mzee was as into Mombasa as I am into boiled roadside eggs. Mzee spent most of his Presidency at the Coast. And unlike with the succeeding regimes,especially that of Mzee Kibaki,State House Mombasa was never deserted and lonely during Mzee’s tenure. His soul was in Mombasa. And he’d fly there many times to unwind and have a jolly good time. Probably in the company of a young Uhuru Kenyatta. Infact,Mzee breathed his last at the Coast. Shows you just how committed to that city he was. Well,the junior Kenyatta must be living up to Daddy’s fantasies and just being another Mzee Kenyatta. Daddy’s love for the Coast must have rubbed up off him. And here we are. In 2016.

5. Avoiding The Nairobi Madness 
Like I said earlier,Nairobi is the devil’s playground. It’s noisy and dirty and loud and chaotic and rough and downright unpalatable at times. And Nairobi in January is probably at its worst. There’s a general lack of money,pellets are fatigued,no events,entertainment is hard to find and life is basically unaffordable. Yes,that might seem like something only the poor experience buy believe me,even Presidents do find Nairobi too anarchic. Don’t forget that Opposition Leader Raila Odinga is still in Nairobi too. And he’s never wanted an opportunity to be a pain in the ass of this Government. Dammit! Uhuru nuts be avoiding this city’s craziness and general pandemonium. He needs a cool head,he needs to relax and stay away from the madness for a minute. Hence,Mombasa baby.

6. War On Drugs 
Uhuru has been in the forefront in the fight against Drug Abuse which has execrably ravaged the Coastal youth. Sources told us that Uhuru has been doing performing undercover busts on drug dealers at the Coast and getting daily briefs from his aides and his Coastal contacts on who see the Kingpins of the runaway drug trade in Mombasa and also learning more about how these drugs get to enter the Coast,how the law gets to be bended for the sake of the wealthy dealers and how the networks spread out reaching the lowest of the addicts in their alleys and trenches in downtown Mombasa. He’s been using his stay at the Coast to watch the menace from a vantage point,learning more about its disastrous effects on millions of Mombasa youth and dining ways to eradicate this malignant menace and making sure that the Big Boys are apprehended and face the full force of the law.

7. Inspecting-And Launching-Developments
Yes,even the Jubilee Government does have development projects spread out across the Coast. The area may be undeniably CORD-affiliated but Uhuru does have projects in Mombasa that are dear to his heart and He’s been using the time he’s at the Coast to move around and see how things are coming up down there. He’s basically pulling a Magufuli here; Showing up unannounced at various spots and areas to survey the extent of work being done as commissioned by him or his Government and he’s also been using these trips to familiarize himself with how much had been done,how far it has gone and also to see the areas which are still lagging being and are underdeveloped and thus, use the opportunity to learn more from the area leaders on why some things are still hanging in limbo and also making some fast executive moves. Uhuru’s political master Mzee Moi must have mastered the art of ‘inspecting developments’ and this is something that Uhuru is keen to take up as a way to speed up his Government’s commitment to providing development in all areas including those that have for decades been marginalized and even those that didn’t even spare a vote for him. Or a thought.

Well,now you know why Bwana Uhuru Kenyatta has been camping at the City Of Pleasure. We are also told that he won’t be leaving the town anytime soon… And might be there till late January or early February.

Don’t you want to be President too? I do.